Well its been a long time since ive blown off the years of internet dust from this ancient tome. after skimming through several of my entries i am hardly astonished at the fact that many of the ideas i was unsure about in the past i am more certain of now. I have managed to refine my thoughts into who am now, and i can truthfully say that i have come to no conclusions just more questions about the nature of things, myself, my behavior and the nature of my thoughts. Remarkably i am content as i lay upon a gurney of carelessness, my hands drape the sides dangling with no resistance as my knuckles rap against the course earth. i have accepted that things are as they are and my ambitiousness alone causes pain and suffering not only to myself but to those who surround me. thus i float.

at times i find the darkness of my insecurities creep up from beneath the follicles of my hair, and as they stand on end my anxiousness controls me at the most inconvenient of times. it is something i need to address and face soon otherwise time will consume problem and mask it forever. i feel like i need an experience that will expand my mind positively, im not looking for specifics but rather spontaneousness. and i want to beset myself on a journey rather than just swallowing a pill or a piece of paper.

regardless, these things i talk about are not necessarily why i am here. i am here because i am acknowledging my past and how i am going to set it free. my subconscious may possess it, but there are certain things i have no need to bother myself with anymore. i have seen and learned, i have love, laughed, cried, i have seen the ecstasies of heaven and the horrors of hell (relatively of course).

i have changed yet i am the same.

Lao Tzu your riddles set me free.

i am infinitely insignificant yet a part of a vast network of light that i will never come to understand. this is the beautiful mystery. not to be undignified by the cheap human explanations and represented by trinkets. for nothing could contain the spectacle that is existing. it just is.

it feels like im chasingspectres, but all im facing is self lectures
that present the nectar of a past faactor of my life
that ivesliced and dissected, checked, reread until all feeling was dead
whats been said has been done underneath our single sun
and its all come down to a future one on one
is a friendship possible
or am i just a fool
as the past presents fossils
i try to keep my cool
these fleeting feelings have reached the ceiling
and my skin is peeling.........
my god R the intentions pure of virtue
or are they skewed?
my love is undying but i keep the desire at bay
as time burns like carcinogens in an ashtray.
am i selfish or does my heart desire the fire that existed once
was it real?
lord knows i am torn
judged by the almighty creator, what is the outcome
the sum of this totality, its utter insanity whithin these inebriated scrawls

what the blood fack.

point the finger, the games played at whos quick to blame
absolute danger, for all parties are affected one and the same
projecting negativity at your own reflection increases tension with those otherwise considered brethren
longevity of spiritual bonds require two instruments tuned to play harmonious songs
no rehearsal, so there is no reversal, improvised do time tell
as it comes full circle in completing the spell, beckoning even the most withdrawn out from their shells.
stress arises from self importance, are my interests more important than yours?
logistically speaking. yes.
but that leaves the score uneven. and two bad apples rotten to the core because to much time was spent thinking not felt. thus love sinking like a lure to be baited for another future failed attempt.

neither of us are exempt from the constant back and forth
im tired of your pride
and im sick of my prejudice

so what of it?

cornered beast

recent times have tweaked my inner switches, near misses, faulty gears and disorganized fears. i cant seem to hear that inner voice that shouted truths over the noise of distraction, my dissatisfaction of the lack of action that fails to take place sets in motion this corrosion of the mind that follows with a lazy body. and while the masses sip from frothy mugs, corporate thugs justify the means to an end, shakes your hand, calls you a friend, i sit in a corner with bloodshot eyes and a nervous tick. from across the room i see the sociopath unleash his wrath, passive aggressive, slicking his hair back as a charming gesture, he escapes your measure blinded by pain disguised as pleasure. but thats just it right? look around, everything's an extension to buy time. buffering between sufferings, your next fix, your next freak, whats it exactly that you seek outside from yourself? affirmation? acceptance? stimulation? inebriation? temptation? repentance? a shortened sentence from this hell? please do tell because your guess is as good as mine.