shedding shells, binding pincers, scuttling sideways

if i was having a severe anxiety attack in front of a group of people, it would most likely go unnoticed. all the symptoms are there, the feeling that i need to projective vomit, every single nerve is on fire, sweaty palms, "restless leg syndrome", laboured breathing. i have come so accustomed to my condition that i can for the most part function normally outwardly without any disability. the only thing that would give it away is the occasional eye twitch. this, shell. this suit of armour that has developed over time reflects a cold and emotionless visage, to rationalize the situation is to protect my heart from further collapse, but at the same time it keeps me in the dark. as a bit of a confession, beneath this indifferent, weathered and disensitized caste lays an extremely vulnerable and extremely sensitive soul. i havent been honest with the demands of that self and i have left it out in the open, up for grabs. like a lion with too much pride i have gotten lazy and turned my back on the cackling hyenas who would swipe at my litter in any given opportunity. my integrity has been undermined, my values dishelved...i feel like a samurai who sold out the bushido code for a few silver coins, now i am am on my knees ready to perform seppuku. even now though somehow i feel like this needed to happen in order to shed my old skin and grow into something more evolved and refined. i have milked out this monkey mind for so long, i have squeezed this land of milk and honey to the last drop and now its time for me to move on. i feel as a man, that i should fulfill the archtypical template for the protector/provider, to be able to stand strong in the face of fraudulence. for so long i have embarked with the goddess within me i am swaying in femenine energies of passiviness and receptivity forgetting to integrate it with the masculine energies. i am still searching to complete this cohesive ying yang relationship of opposites in all aspects of life, trying to understand the seperation, trying to integrate opposing natures. but now its time for me to make the total 180, i flick the switch and i leap to the other side of the spectrum. my journey begins now.