these little pincers of mine have become quite accustomed to latching onto things with the grip of rigor mortis. this death grip i have aquired i realize has only been the cause of fear, being afraid of the deep blue waters that have so much depth, opportune and freedom. perhaps i am afraid of my own freedom? even now i catch myself wading in the shallow corals of doubt, i can comfortably wedge myself into these multicolored crevises where i can feed off of the same floor and know that i will be sustained. but behind this armoured encasing i feel undoubtedly incomplete, unchallenged and stale. what am i afraid of? failuire? loss? dissolution of ego? dissolution of my establishment and preconceptions? all of these things are masks of the same face. all of this fear is rooted from the same core. my god the threshold seems so vast, why do i cling to this rock so firmly? even the algai lets go and moves on. i am much more capable than algai. i have felt the playful current that a bubbly sea horse has created, curiously i snatch my one pincer outreached to grasp her tail but i miss everyime because my other pincer is so firmly clenched onto this rock. my bleak squiggly eyes let out a gasping sigh as she swims off to western lagoons.

i have becoming increasingly more accepting at the concept of loss. i have lossed so much already, to dwell and worry only causes this furious cycle of self enslavement which manifests itself in the most ugly ways. i feel as if i have projected everything that is lesser of me onto the things i am intimate with. more specifically people. i admit now that i was wrong to assume anything, nothing is concrete, nothing lasts, but nothing is forgotten. it is foolish to deny this fundamental and universal law. all pain is self induced. we choose to suffer because its what we know best. take it as it comes and be one with that moment, thats all there is and ever will be. i mind puke at the thought that i was so close to losing all my sanity in this mindstate of self defeat and mediocrity. i cancel my subsription, i dont want any of this anymore. because the ape mongering mind is such a cunt i am going to have to utilize it just a little bit longer so i can set myself free. my dream is revived.