spinach, apple cider vinagrette, sunflower seeds, walnuts, dried cranberries, and a salmon steak

there is no man vs nature
there is no man vs man
there is only man vs himself

we are wired in a way where we have it in our capability to react to external stimuli in which our five senses perceive. this information that is picked up by these senses paint a extremely comprehensive and detailed image of the world in which we inhabit. would it be possible that a human being without these senses become capable of perceiving a relative world in which he undoubtedly exists in? it is impossible to imagine what that would be like in a sense that for those of us who are able to sense the world would experience absolute and total death of the ego. with no reference point to dictate his actions he is literally free to simply be, a clean slate conscious detached wholly. would this being feel normal emotions or would they just simply not develop due to the fact that there would be nothing to stimulate those emotions? could this vegetative state be close to that of what the Buddhists call becoming enlightened in a state of nirvana?

i ask these questions because i am curious whether we are born with human nature or if our actions dictate our nature. innately science would explain to us that we inherit various traits of our ancestors, things that have been ingrained within the genetic code to help facilitate our own survival and evolution. but i would argue that it is certain experiences we perceive that would trigger these so called genetic inheritances that cause us to react in those tendencies. so perhaps we are equipped but are not necessarily primed to fire at will. i will argue that under favorable conditions that individuals who are born biologically healthy are equal relative to one another, it is the energy that the individual absorbs through his senses that cause him to transform and react. ultimately it is his choice whether he wants to expel the energy or to confine it and carry it with him. i would say that it would be healthiest to take moderation into consideration because both positive and negative experiences should be held onto, yet within a fine margin. still humans find the desire to extend into the extremes which could cause dire consequence, ironically enough this is how barriers are broken and how the unknown is discovered.

our stupidity can be masked by courage and vice versa. this makes us so horribly abysmal yet so beautifully unique. as above so below. i am nothing yet i am everything.

woman of mystery

when i look into her eyes, it is difficult for me to execute my normal application of analysis so i am forced to go directly into troubleshooting. have i become so afraid that i am completely unable to conclude a first impression, or is my mind still wandering off into nostalgia? in retrospect i feel more lenient to suffice my physical desires, so i feel more than anything at this point it is merely a means to fulfill an end. but why? is it just within the process of my healing, or am i just being a dog? half of me wanting to fulfill my salivating primal mind and the other half rationalizing to discover what both parties intentions are. as a whole i romanticize about both polarities and the winding paths each unpaved road bestows. holy fucking christ i am way to complicated to make any decisions. conundrums.

in the meanwhile

i marvel at her fair skin, bright complexion, chrystaline blue shards for eyes and her eccentric tendecies. she too understands the relationship that the human mind/body has with music and i revere a high level of respect in that aspect. but for now, i keep my emotions detatched and distant as it would be most wise to allow this ongoing healing process to continue into the concluding stages before i consider opening my heart again. it is slightly selfish to assume this indifferent role, but i think that essential for me to experience the coldness before i can continue foreward. i have never had a problem with solitude, and i have discovered it is easier to deal with myself alone than burdening someone else with my conflicts. i value these times of introspection. should i discover and reveal my self more to my own awareness, only then will i be able to maturely care for someone else.

dedicated to the only person who taught me more about life than 12 years of school did.

as the days grow older the petals of this complicated foliage that layers my mind blooms in a peak experience of clarity and momentary bliss. the petals eventually whither and shed themselves so now its time for a new growth season. experience has taught me not to be naive of my own immaturity. it is indeed humbling to aknowledge that established foundations do indeed become uprooted in order to make way for another seedling of opportune. i have learned significantly about how my own psychy works from that previous love and how it is these lessons that life bestows upon which inherently become your referance guides that will facilitate how you behave and think in the future. it is undeniably remarkable what the human mind will do in order to keep love alive, the experience of utter desperation in which the self inflicts mesochistic occurence has been so apparent in my last relationship that towards the end of this extremely volatile love my manic obsession and infatuation grew to unhealthy proportions. when i look back, i observe it through a pespective of positivity, it would seem copletely detrimental to do otherwise. that kind of passion i felt i fear will never be matched because it permeated through all levels of that relationship. becoming bound to someones body, mind and spirit in such a manner of intense love connection will truly never be severed because it has been ingrained deeply into my grey matter and muscle memory. i see them not as scars, nor war wounds but rather as abbrasions of wisdom. it was a process that needed to happen in order for me to grow into a more seasoned warrior, the kind of conditioning that prepares you for your destiny perhaps?

i am extremely happy i am able to look back with smiles and fond memories, the bad ones seem trivial at this point and its safe to say i can even crack jokes about it. leave it to your opposing nature to reveal yourself to you. i have learned so much

thank you
Dyakooyu
Salamat
mamnoon

" and you know thissssss maaaaaaaaaaaaan!"

5mg of dex
emotionless robotics
severs the strings to the heart
cold calculations
owning at paintball
adrenaline rushes all fucking night!!
merciless

the most rationalized and logical side of myself revealed today in the heat of battle
the capacity is frightening.
the illusion of clarity is intoxicating.

it smells like sex in here

my libido is itching, im so horny my fucking head is spinning
ive been playing the field but theres no challenge and its the 5th inning
perhaps i should quit it cuz id rather be fishing
for more appetizing catches under heat and hot flashes
girls with silked skin, dark hair and phat asses
i aint desperate to laying down the net so i can get whatever
i patiently rock the lure, regardless of the weather
under pressure my hunger increases
now im feelin for the next girl cuz im gonna shred her into pieces
attack mode, aggressive, post pubescent and salivating
hearts bold, progressive post adolecsant and down for penetrating
what im saying is that i really need to fuck
never do i adore a slut or a whore so im limited, im betting on my luck
to find a mentally sound girl whos profound and down for a pound
who can dance better than me and rocks ill to the hip hop sound
whos dirtier than dubstep and a freak if ya know what i mean
but at the same time, is lookin fresh and rocks good hygiene
intelligent, fly and reflects self respect
and well knowledgeable on the subject of a phallus erect
into her own thing so i know shes got a future
loyal, non flirtatious so i know id never lose her
a little fucked up cuz i know all yall girls are
just remember i love you just dont take it too far
woman ideal she appeals and appears in my dreams
could she be real? swimming alone in obscure streams?
i suppose i keep my eyes wide to see what the tides bring
no time for flings or petty things. im lookin for someone who can really make ma heart sing. lalalalalalaaaaaa
perhaps im a hopeless romantic, ya i know its tragic
but damn im a dreamer and this cities got my dick flaccid
surrounded by plastics, chemical acid and makeup
rednecks, clerics and religious retards
and a generation who lives for trivial breakups
i suppose its how i play my cards


dayumn, now im back to square one

my libido is itching......

vlad the inpaler

after watching stan brokers dracula directed by francis ford cappola, i not only realized how horrible keanu reeves acting is but also how enchanting cappola recreates the dracula story in his own bizzare, kinky, lustful, and romantic way. the film plays on our inner most desires which cause us into tempation, acting upon irrational inpulse. it is a most valuable lesson learned the consequence of giving into these desires, how this bloodlust takes control of you and acts in the most pure and absolute of raw emotion. the fleeting moment in which it arises will come to you in the most ecstatic of feelings. a feeling more powerful than any drug could ever emulate, a feeling that is addictive to the most wholesome of men and women. it over comes us all equally and we are all beneficiaries/vitctims of this phenomena, our passion bypasses the brain and our actions are dictated by the heart. it is tricky business indeed. where do we cross the line? i have seen both the light and the darkness myself of this "fleeting bliss" that has manifested itself severally on different occasions, and as i rationalize it now it only appears that i am further complicating the matter. ponder ponder ponder ponder.

anywhoo go watch stan brokers dracula if you havent seen it.

edges rough
colder than a slate of shale
weathered and refined by the water in which i was birthed in
i have felt those demons that dwell in the crevices unnoticed
unearthing a primal violent nature
in which the most tame cannot deny
frenzied movements of the damned
we unleash our art in disharmony
in our dissonance there is beauty
strength of a leviathan we stand united
brethren of misfortune.

cannibal corpse unleashed so many demons tonight. circle pits.
primordial essense in the form of beer sweats. too fucking heavy.

sex personality - psychology today

Different strokes for different folks; it's a common truth that applies not only to everyday life and habits, but also to the secretive world of the bedroom. What heats one person's engines may cool off another’s, and everyone expresses the natural human need for sexual intimacy in a unique and individual way. That's the beauty of our species - we are not homogeneous robots. Just as we love and communicate with others in different ways, so too do we bring diverse styles with us into the bedroom.

Your results on this test suggest that you are very open-minded when it comes to sexuality. You seem to welcome new experiences within the realm of sex and even if you aren't comfortable with a particular ingredient of it, you’re not the type to judge those who indulge themselves. Overall, you are not threatened by the diverse sexual tastes that make this world go round. In fact, you seem to be quite willing to tolerate sexual behavior that colors outside of the lines of “normalcy”, as long as both partners are into it. Keep up that attitude! (Just make sure to be just as respectful and tolerant of those who aren’t as sexually liberal as you!)

Overall results (score 89)


Overall attitude towards sexuality based on a continuum from conventional to liberal.

Your results on this test suggest that you are very open-minded when it comes to sexuality. You seem to welcome new experiences within the realm of sex and even if you aren't comfortable with a particular ingredient of it, you’re not the type to judge those who indulge themselves. Overall, you are not threatened by the diverse sexual tastes that make this world go round. In fact, you seem to be quite willing to tolerate sexual behavior that colors outside of the lines of “normalcy”, as long as both partners are into it. Keep up that attitude! (Just make sure to be just as respectful and tolerant of those who aren’t as sexually liberal as you!)

Spiciness (score 54)


Tendency and desire to be sexually innovative and explorative.

Your results indicate that you are comfortable experimenting sexually, but haven't explored a wide variety of options from the great palette of sex. You do have a creative nature, which keeps your sexual liaisons satisfactorily spicy, but generally prefer to stick to what's familiar. You seem to have discovered what pleases you, and plan to stick with it! As long as you are sexually fulfilled, keep it up!

Sexual Daredevil (score 20)


Level of sexual adventurousness and boldness.

According to the Sexual Daredevil Index, more daring sexual play (e.g. bondage, S&M, swinging, etc.) doesn't seem to strike your fancy. You tend to shy away from sex play that is exhilaratingly daring and appear to be downright disinclined to venture into the more wild side of the sexual realm. As long as you’re content with your tamer ways, then by all means, enjoy yourself! If however, you want to be more adventurous but are a little shy or unsure, try talking to your partner about your desire to be more of a daredevil.

Sexual Expression (score 100)


Comfort with expressing wants, desires, and sexuality in general.

It appears as though you are comfortable voicing your desires and sexuality in general, and likely have a partner who shares the same openness. This is essential for a healthy sex life. Sure, it takes courage to discuss sexuality, and there may be times when your partner will reject your ideas, but if you don’t voice them you’ll never know! Remember, however, that daring and adventurous sexual exploits (as well as sex in general) must be consensual, so it's okay for your partner to decline your suggestions. Given your open nature, it is quite likely that you will find a common ground that is exciting and mutually satisfying for both you and your partner.

Psychology today. hopeless romantic or cynical old man?

the mere fact that i took the time to do this test might say something about myself hahaha but heres the results.

" You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love. "
Henry Drummond

" Romance is about the little things. "
Gregory J. Godeck

" Romance, like the rabbit at the dog track, is the elusive, fake, and never attained reward which, for the benefit and amusement of our masters, keeps us running and thinking in safe circles. "
Beverly Jones

" When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance. "
Oscar Wilde


To bask in the delights of idealized love is, in essence, to be a romantic. Hollywood, it seems, has personified romance as candlelit dinners in fancy French restaurants or giggly chases in slow-motion through daisy-filled meadows. The truth is that expressions of love and affection don’t have to be expensive or overwhelming. Holding hands, casual walks, or a simple “I love you” are those little things which can really go a long way. If you aren't comfortable with the traditional romantic protocol, you can come up with your own ways of letting someone know how much you care. The truth is that there are no rules.

It is important to note that romance is not a component of love that appeals to everyone; nor is it necessary to keep passion alive. Passion can be stirred by simply being respectful and honest with the one you love. Whether you’re a romantic at heart or a more pragmatic lover, as long as you’re willing to put your heart and soul into a relationship there is no amount of roses, candlelit dinners or four-string quartets than can measure up or compare to that.

According to your score, you are a bit of a hopeless romantic. Rose petals, poignant poetry, tall glasses of wine, touching moments, and sweet words are all loving gestures that you enjoy receiving as well as offering. Romance is fairly important to you, and likely an aspect that you consider fundamental in relationships. Keep in mind however, that problems may arise if you are with someone who really isn’t the romantic type. If you look forward to Valentine's Day to express your love and your partner doesn't even acknowledge it as a special day, you might end up feeling neglected or your efforts unappreciated. Nevertheless, even if your partner isn't as romantically inclined as you are, try to be appreciative of his/her efforts when she/he does try to woo you. Some people aren’t comfortable displaying their affection in screamingly obvious ways, but this doesn’t mean that they don’t care – they simply prefer to be more subtle. Whether it’s you or your partner who is doing the romancing, check out the ideas in the Advice section for some simple and sweet romantic gestures that aren’t tough on the wallet or too overwhelming.

i ask how? how do you see past the multifaceted orifices that spew out incessant bullshit from every angle? how is it possible to seek any kind of white light? no salvation in sight, or so it appears that way. it is bleak, very bleak for these people here and i am being tossed and torn by such conflicting forces externally and internally. i havent felt any kind of calm until that last day. on the surface i my skin is cool, my expression nuetral but my nerves and synapses are firing at 100X the normal rate. i am so tense and the source of this irregularity is evasive. subconciously i have cried out, trying to hold this cauldron filled to the brim, spilling toxic brew everywhere. i have a million excuses i could pull out of my ass that are entirely external causes, just me pointing the finger. but it is rare when i look deep whithin myself to find that all problems arise there. i need to learn how to be more humble but carry myself with a sense of pride and dignity at all times. i need to maintain my passive stance but also be willing to die for the things i live and love for. family, friends, memories. protect those things even if it is from myself. i need to master compromise, sacrifice and yet know when i need to stand firmly. i need to reclaim my heart again and keep it securely nailed in place, its kind of sick and twisted but i have admitted to my mesochistic tendencies. i need to know why i am like this. and how i can 180 this habit. i need to find a solution quick. my foresight sees an ugly future if things dont start to change.

oficially a cheuvanist.

her eyes strike mine in line at the soda
and im like aaw fuck, i gotta turn and pull a cold shoulda
shes the lost psychosomatic addict for attention
artificial plastic, erradic, and beyond comprehension
she puts on a twisted smile and gives me a hug
and they way shes movin, she just wanted to fuck
now how am i gonna squeeze myself out of this position
stoned and itchin for a bone, this girls on a mission
shes smart and understands the driving force in a man
the conquest for phat ass and girls with a tan
so she took the higher ground and leapt for the kill
i said "HOLD UP I AINT GOT TIME FOR NO THIRLLS, yo excuse me for the intrusion but your act is whack, slacked and its leaking through the cracks of your foundation. why do you persist as this eblmem of tempation, bait for the weak minded, another fix for your sexual drive, one by one they fall to your infidelity, your backwards vanity, neurotic insanity and grandoise fantasies. get a grip or else youll slip on your own two feet that you thought were solid. your not the hot topic, get a class on sum logic dayuumn.


slitherin between crags and crevices
your every rational mans nemesis
you exude manipulation amongst the premises.
get close enough and you go straight for the neck.

*dedicated to the lack of legit girls in calgary....sigh*

my nigga sol

SPRING!. FINALLY!!!!
the sun embraces my needy skin and instantaneously my spirits are lifted.
this is all it takes, is just the sun and its comforting blanket of rays. i feel like i am being hugged by all existense all at once. this is the one good thing about seasonal affective disorder, i may be absolutely abysmall during winter but my true colors can finally shine through with the assistence with a little bit of sunlight. it is so significant, and it plays a crucial role in my mood and overall attitude. this is one of the main reasons i need to get the fuck out of a place that has winter for 9 months, it isnt healthy for me whatsoever.

ahh yes, the brown skinned blues may finally dissipate with the snow, where all my brown folks at? ITS OK!!!! COME OUT!! ITS SAFE WHOOO!!!!!

oh gratuitous sun i prostrate myself to thee
your superfluous tendencies i am not worthy of
i give thanks to your selfless offerings
the light of lights
the king of kings
penetrate me with your crown of thorns
provide light for this crab scuttling in darkness
come july the month of fruition i am closest with yee
and we can greet whatever comes in our path with open arms and chechire grins.

filling gaps (with cream cheese)

just one moment
one insignificant yet profound second is all i need
a slight of hand to bring it all back again
like a foolish sea faring man in utter defiance i stand in this crows nest facing the storm that has come to pass. "WAS THAT IT!!!? IS THAT ALL YOU FUCKING GOT!!!? YOU CAN DO BETTER!!". he slumps to the floor tattered and scarred wishing that turbulent ocean would have swept him away, but perhaps it is not yet his time to be put out of his own misery. his hooked right hand clings with a grip of rigor mortis to the mast. this massive mast of cynicism and doubt that keeps him rooted on this rotting boat.

there is a reason why i am still here, wading in Dante's inferno
wandering around the city of dis trying to piece together broken relationships
tying loose ends, shedding more skin.
i am undergoing a metamorphosis, i can feel this transformation.
one half clinging onto all it knows and one half that's liberated itself completely, bored and looking for something new.

and i remember, what you taught me
and i remember, how you tried to break my wall
and i can still feel, those burning embers of that wildfire
and i can assure that i appreciate it all

seelich suizid, herz Scherbenhaufen

i traverse the circumference of this wheel of time and space.
significant cogs working whithin a system vast beyond contemplation
as above so below. cosmic process rippling throughout all planes
and the universe cannot be without my own significance
the universe cannott BE without that speck of dust.
because the entirety of all existence rests inside a droplet of fresh rain.
and yet it is empty.
as above so below, as above so below
my epic runs parralel that of the cosmos, parralel that of your story and it appears i am bound to this fate.
faded smiles and salted cheeks
i am full yet i am empty
i am spiralling out of control
losing my grip on these sediments the harder i squeeze.


and i release a long sigh of exhaustion
whos in a bunker?
women and children first of course.
stop right there, this room is dense with that familiar sickness
i had to leave and face this onslought of artillery

as above so below
i am empty yet so full

patriarchal reflection mirrored. i am choking.
i fear his sickness, i fear his demons for they dwell in me also
stubborn pride wields the dagger
stained with the blood of many loved now lost

nothing to pull me in, no elascticity left
where is Dr jekyll to Mr hyde


a thousand sighs
as above so below.

wisdom of the ancients.

our tribal ancestors cross culturally would have very similar celebrations which involved the ritual of becoming inebriated (to become drunk or any other altered state) and these annual events were usually in honor of celestial movements in they sky. our ancestors were extremely in tune with the cycles of the earth and how it revolves, revealing patterns with the sun moon and the constellations. what is interesting about this is that all monotheistic religions theoretically can base their entirety to these ancient belief systems that involve visible celestial bodies, cosmic events and our relationship with entheogenic plant life. one of the most ancient traditional esoteric teachings that circulated amongst various mystery schools during the 16th century, is the notion that "on earth as it is in heaven" or "as above so below". this simple teaching acknowledges the idea of polar opposites that create a whole (ying, yang, microcosm and macrocosm) this can be displayed by playing octaves on a piano, they may not resonate the same frequency but they are able to harmonize with eachother. one really good example of how the ancients represented this idea of polar opposites is the scandinavian symbol of the tree of yggdrasil which depicts a tree with branches above and branches of roots below in the ground. it is also interesting to note that mesoamerican cultures also have symbolic representations of the "world tree".

the animal constelations in the sky that make up the zodiac are zoomorphisms that were revered as gods by people who beleived in ancient astrology. these zoomorphisms can be looked upon as projections of our selves, (as above so below). the attributes we apply to these constelations dwell whithin us all. these celestial representations were written whithin metaphors and poetics which ultimately breathed life into these symbols to help us understand the concepts we created. the same thing occurs when we anthropomorphize these celestial bodies into the gods we base our religions upon. we create these gods in the likeness of ourselves and in the likeness of natural phenomena, for example we have fertility goddeses, sun gods, moon gods, gods that represent death, so on and so forth. (as above so below). murals or other forms of artwork of these anthropormized deities are merely characters, what is truly inportant is there appearance and their attributes that they aquire given by humans. was it isnteresting to the least is that cross culturally, societies that worshipepd the son also ascribed a charachter to anthropomorphize it in myth, judeo/christian, islam, egyptian, mayan, olmecs, toltecs, varous other native american tribes, sumerians, assyrians, persian and many others have deitic representations. what is really interesting is the fact that many of the same attributes are equally applied to this sun god deity. for example, christ and horus were both birthed from a virgin.

scientifically it is the rotation of the tilting of the earhs axis that causes the sky to move as it does, this single handedly has become the foundation for many mystic belief. if you were to take a timelapse photgraph of the north star you will see that it appears that the stars surrounding it appear to be rotating around the north star, or the stars on an easter horizon would appear to be rising as the sun does. this cyclical moving of cosmic bodies became mapped and were used as tools for human beings. for example, at morning during the spring time, the sun rises abov ethe horizon and is in front of pisces, in autumn the sun is still in the same position in the sky during that particular time of day. during winter the sun appears to be lower o nthe horizon during the same time it was previously during spring and autumn. this position change occurs when he sun is in the house of scorpio as it has brought death and the coming of winter. it has been interpereted as being the deciever as it looks right into you as it strikes you with its venomous tail. in correlation, the decsiple judas as one of the twelve apostles (scorpio in the zodiac) is depicted giving christ teh kiss of death symbolizing the death of the sun and the coming of winter. on the day of the winter solctice, the sun stops its descent and for three days it rises in the same place until after the third day it begins its slow ressurection as teh days get longer. doesnt this sound familiar?......

to be continued.

steak quesadilla (blackened cajun steak, banana peps, smoked cheddar, jack chedd, fire roasted pepes, and creme aigre

nocturnal to the very best, im in search for a catalyst to resuscitate my hearts constant state of lack of this and a lack of that. i try to be coercive whithin these verses which is leaving my back turned and shirtless. it is worthless to assume an impending doom siting here in this vacant room? the walls are whitewashed and so am i, my culture encased within the boundaries of monetary and fiscal policies, left out to dry under this heatlamp that turns food stale and consumers pale, frail, leaving a trail of excrements. i have all these sentiments as leftovers from that rediculous crossover. and i say rediculous because it was just that. who the fuck knows how many rows of pharisees i have to appease and please in order to just have peace of mind, a piece of that pie. my furrows cause a crease in thy brow that spell out concern. though all in all i have learned what its like to toss and turn. to fall and burn and to be reborn again a pheonix, eyes ablaze a bird of prey in front of a backdrop of grey. as above so below i follow in the footsteps of the sun. i proudly display this crown of thorns, scars and remnants of myself as broken shards do be swept up and tossed, not hidden under the carpet.

i follow no doctrine
no ideal, no pretentious thrills for me thanks
i am perfectly fine to climbatize with my own mind
reference points are always dope though, because in truth they do help you cope
but. do not be fooled by the surface and its glam. its maya maaaaaaan!!!