i ask how? how do you see past the multifaceted orifices that spew out incessant bullshit from every angle? how is it possible to seek any kind of white light? no salvation in sight, or so it appears that way. it is bleak, very bleak for these people here and i am being tossed and torn by such conflicting forces externally and internally. i havent felt any kind of calm until that last day. on the surface i my skin is cool, my expression nuetral but my nerves and synapses are firing at 100X the normal rate. i am so tense and the source of this irregularity is evasive. subconciously i have cried out, trying to hold this cauldron filled to the brim, spilling toxic brew everywhere. i have a million excuses i could pull out of my ass that are entirely external causes, just me pointing the finger. but it is rare when i look deep whithin myself to find that all problems arise there. i need to learn how to be more humble but carry myself with a sense of pride and dignity at all times. i need to maintain my passive stance but also be willing to die for the things i live and love for. family, friends, memories. protect those things even if it is from myself. i need to master compromise, sacrifice and yet know when i need to stand firmly. i need to reclaim my heart again and keep it securely nailed in place, its kind of sick and twisted but i have admitted to my mesochistic tendencies. i need to know why i am like this. and how i can 180 this habit. i need to find a solution quick. my foresight sees an ugly future if things dont start to change.