love those who are close to you maaang

the energy that is measured by the windows of reality my body provides, connects me directly to the comprehensible world that can be seen, felt, touched, tasted and ultimately contemplated. the information that streams constantly from our senses to our brain constantly gets processed at speeds that are relatively instantaneous. this information then gets filtered in countless ways whether it be the limitations of our biology, the efficiency at which our bodies detect and convert this information as well as our own unconscious psychological dispositions created by the ego. finally after all of this unintentional filtering this information finally gets processed under your own personal lens which the ego chooses to view the world, resulting in various and unique interpretations. the final product you could say after all of this converting and interpreting of information might very well be but an indefinitely small fraction of what "reality" actually is.

but of course, you already are aware of this. and aware of how humbling it really is.

even now what i am doing is a perfect example of how the mind constructs ideas with information that is incomplete. i am not a neurologist, or a psychologist therefore i lack the knowledge necessary to formulate such grand assumptions, and grand assumptions they truly are. yet with such fragmented information and without complete understanding i am capable of creating perfectly logical reasoning, thus completing a puzzle with no finite solution but rather infinite solutions with only but a few pieces. i think that its safe to speculate that the entire human species does this.

science would eloquently announce in terms of the direct consequence for being an sentient being alive experiencing this strange world, we tend to develop a construct of ideas about what this reality ought to be, we in turn identify with ideas and objects in order to help us navigate more efficiently in this material realm, finally projecting our processed version of reality into the world . with all of this being said, it is then interesting to consider that these objects of thought that create our identity as we attach ourselves to them would appear to be ultimately trivial, superficial and shallow understandings of ourselves and of the reality we experience. it is also then interesting to consider the world which we inhabit now is nothing but a collective construct created by each one of our egos networking together, to form some kind of habitat in which our egos can continue to feed their incessant hunger for more. meanwhile the true reality behind the drapes of illusion patiently exists, and i can assure you its indifferent to the fact whether we come to realize this ultimate existence or not. at this point i would like retort to all of the anti ego banter that has been the rave and consider for a moment that the ego actually is important and even necessary in order to survive and function as human beings as of and up until most recently. it is no mystery that our ancestors provided the foundations to allow our conscious selves evolve and excel at the rate we are now. our ancestors utilized primal instinctual drives to insure our survival, ego itself was the main driving tool that allowed our species to survive for as long as it has although being violently aggressive and selfish in nature. natural selection has allowed the stronger and dominant genes to continue replicating, creating even more intelligent beings equating to our own point in the present. but this is where the powers of the ego go unrestrained as we are seeing now. it is no mystery that we live in the century of the "self" an extremely self orientated world where the desires of the individual outweigh the needs of others, nobody can argue that they are exempt from this fate, we all share this inherited pathology and denying it or claiming that you are distinguishably immune from this proves that you are so intertwined with how the self identifies with its image, it feels necessary to defend itself. in turn you become a hypocrite. admitting to a mental illness is the first step to recovery, and this mental pandemic has struck every human being, here and there sparks of ingenuity and creativity ignite the courageous few who understand the nature of this and expose it, only to be subject to ridicule and persecution. the stigma of the ego has become so prolific it has evaded nearly all degrees of life thus becoming a threat to life itself. the construct of the atom bomb was no doubt the work of the ego as well as all other acts of countless violence that has been committed, the survival that the ego once insured of the species, now has become the most lethal monstrous force that threatens the very existence of all life on earth. it has forced a narrow and one dimensional view of life upon all of us, the most threatening of it all is that it tricks you into believing that you cannot exist without it, people act the same way, especially in relation to religious dogmatism including alternative religious movements such as the new age, and astrology (not saying that religious belief is wrong, just the dogma and exploitation of individuals). this bigotry is apparent in sectarian violence, racial discrimination, sexual discrimination, business, social and family institutions. it dictates all human experience.

so why am i even bothering talking about this? it is because as of late, an illumination bright as day has shown me that even now in the postmodern age, we still rely entirely on the ego to give us fulfillment, though we think that many of us are spiritually savvy enlightened beings feel once again exempt from the humbling fact that more likely than not, your are blatantly wrong. these douchebags are everywhere parading themselves as tomes of wisdom that behold esoteric knowledge of the ages, and i ask the universe why oh why has it come down to this disgraceful point in our existence where we can no longer distinguish the true prophets from the false. at this rate it seems that humanity is destined to live the rest of its miserable days with its fat head up is ass. i dont have the answers, i dont know who has the answers, im just an observer who feels like shits awry fucked.

skeeter rabbit

i remember specifically stressing having separate rooms

growing pains

i still my mouth in fear of uttering idle talk
in your eyes im being distant and cold
pride fossilized in an aging rock
this act of insecurities is getting old

eyes ablaze with suspicion
hands reluctant with distrust
jaded your lens causes cloudy vision
oxidizing my image, i rust

your love for me is polar and torn in duality
a mentality in mystery
why is it you hide your identity
if it was meant to be, i expect respect and honesty
and possibly an understanding of privacy

but i am feeling the pressure to be shaped according to your measures
and at your expenditure my free will is billed to yours truly

opposites attract like white on black but sometimes the division reveals two hearts that slack
its a matter of fact, our feelings match but you gotta hold your own and thats where its at
positive contact!
energies enormous we bounce back
and so is the story of how the left shook hands with the right
held on tight to assure that they just might unveil the curtain and see the light
but heads continue to bounce and egos fight till death
mouths run off just to get the last breath
respect my space and ill respect yours
or one of us might end up closing the door
external pressures make this new venture challenge to self, a true mind bender
but theres beauty within the struggle, see it with all its splendor.
as time passes my interest dwindles, docility too dull and simple
we are young, vibrant lets explore the possibilities
and not get too caught up within trivialities

im tired of running around in circles.

whats the use of knowledge if you lack the wisdom to guide your intellect?
how could you possibly love someone if you cant love yourself?
what matters of idle talk when nothing of substantial importance can be mentioned?
why dedicate if you dont practice?
why believe when you can inquire instead.

i think its safe to say that im just being realistic.

Cynicism (Greek: Kυνισμός) originally comprised the various philosophies of a group of ancient Greeks called the Cynics, founded by Antisthenes in about the 4th century BC. The Cynics rejected all conventions, whether of religion, manners, housing, dress, or decency, advocating the pursuit of virtue in a simple and unmaterialistic lifestyle.

By the 19th century, emphasis on the negative aspects of Cynic philosophy led to a new and very different understanding of cynicism to mean an attitude of jaded negativity, and a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of other people. Modern cynicism, as a product of mass society, is a distrust toward professed ethical and social values, especially when there are high expectations concerning society, institutions and authorities which are unfulfilled. Cynicism can manifest itself as a result of frustration, disillusionment, and distrust perceived as due to organizations, authorities and other aspects of society, and thus is roughly equivalent to a substantive form of the English word "jaded".

boredom is the slow decay of youth

economic recessions blagh blagh. i am tired of hearing the same old business rhetoric over and over, these days its hard not to sling out dry humor like a repeater crossbow, piercing the sorry saps of this lost degeneration. the universe is indifferent to my trivial existence so i dont blame you for this shitty streak of unemployment, but damn, a brother needs to stack his papes. honest money? yeah fucking right. but until i can somehow pull off a mastermind heist its gonna be toiling away under the stalemating heat lamps for a little longer.

tainted seeds

inside my heart accumulates a ball of sludge manifest by the hatred that i have for you. it burdens me to carry these feelings of contempt for everything you mean to me. and it is truly unfortunate you cant even sum up the courage to face me and tell me the truth about what why you left the family. you represent everything i hate in this world. you are a coward and a liar. you have lost your chance with me for you can no longer fool me or control me, i am now free from your manipulations.

depreciation

to put it simply, i dont owe this system jack.

for those of you who make honest livings and still live at the bottom of the barrel, ask yourself is it really worth it?

CFC - city drift

CFC - city drift


outright cypher in victoria.

finally

aight aight, its the return.

and to properly address the official reopening to this ancient and weary blog, it is only proper to begin this new era in the history of these confessed ramblings by reminding you all that during the time of my absence, much has been learned, much has been experienced, much has been gained and much has been lost. but most importantly and notably one thing has remained the same, and it is that insistent task of maintaining my stubborn yet tiring cynical worldview of my critical/intellectual mind.

ah yes, the grass is greener, the trees are mature, the leaves represent the greatest shades of autumn and i am happily enjoying every last lush inch of this magnificent island. the stories of this place are true, the island inhabits a brooding specter that loves the surreal and the magic you once knew as a child begins to resurface. even the moss that grows between the cracks of the sidewalks, and thrives on the rock faces seem enchanted. how lovely it is. i have been blessed with more than i could want, yet this new found freedom must be met with diligence and determination to discover my hearts path. it is all too easy to stray beyond, you could be on one path and then in an instant a distraction would cause you to cross a hedge row only to find yourself in a maze where every turn led you nowhere. it is evident many my age have strayed into the masses of lost children, wandering the streets scraping the concrete for any kind of escapism available. focus and integrity is what is going to get me through the hard and humble beginnings of this new life.

life is more balanced here, both the hemispheres of my mind can exercise thought without bickering too much between the rational and irrational. my heart has a voice hear and its refreshing to know that i am not always being governed by the mind as was the case in Calgary.

i have little wealth but who cares, happiness here doesn't cost a dime

last entry.

peace yall.

hear ye oh ancestral awareness
allow me to disturb your peace so i may apologize
for the wisdom of the past has not been revealed
and my vision is obscured by the christian veil
i am sorry i lay ignorant to your beautiful culture
to your customs and traditions
to your wisdom and natural knowledge
hear my plea worshippers of nature
i too have seen the piercing rays of the sun
and i ride the chariot of fire across the horizon
Bialybog and Czarnebog i ask your opposing natures to help me maintain balance

business unattended
everyday im presented with your memory relentless,
flagellated with barbs of my own procrastinaton
the tools of our trade empty handed lay dormant in our creation

i willfully cling to an image that brought me pleasure and pain
two hearts slain, and yet i still find myself still chained
once again to the pervading image of your memory
trumped all rationality, my emotions get the best of me

its a burden i keep till the moment i sleep
dreams casting shadows of you between the bed sheets
ingrained in grey matter, your manners and laughter
a bond forged that can not ever be shattered

feelin good nina simone

Birds flyin' high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
yeah, its a new dawn its a new day its a new life for me ooooooooh
AND I'M FEELING GOOD

Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River runnin' free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
And I'm feelin good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what i mean dont you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleepin' peace when day is done that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world and a bold world for me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the crime you know how I feel
Your freedom is mine, and I know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me

OH I'M FEELING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

my own extreme right.

my chest feels like a chasm, chewed away slowly by the insatiable hunger of a termite colonies spirit. distant echoes ricochet off of the cold walls, mere remnants of who i once was clearly long vacated this rotting premiss of a hollow shell. i can feel it slip throughout my orifices, down my arms and through my fingertips. the warmth of human emotion slowly depleting, the cold calculation of indifference adjusts its parameters to my own proportions. i am afraid, yet i am unsure of what i need to do next. my ability to feel is diminishing as some sort of quasi defence mechanism continues to inhibit my spirit into a perfect cube that is lighted by unforgiving florescents. under the scrutinizing eye of logic, nothing seems to escape my analysis and judgement. the concept of love quarrels in a petri dish underneath the microscopic lense, and yet no root is found, only the ever changing metamorphosis and evolution of how this love manifests and multiplies. it cant be defined nor confined, yet i seek to see that it does get labeled, sanitized, vaccum packed sealed and filed alphabeticlly into my own cabinet of grey matter. i am running around in this sadomascohistic endeavor into my own oblivion, i know it cannot be pin pointed yet i try to plot it on a map. self destructive behaviour wouldnt you say?

as i continue to fortify myself in the comforts of reason, i continue to find myself bored, unamused, unimpressed, apathetic, jotting my rightful place in the assembly line of society. where has all my passion gone i wonder? i remember it clearly the feeling, the emotion, the awareness of being alive to the fullest!!!! how glorious, daring, adventurous, and speldidly wonderful it was to feel that utter and primal nature down to the very core. i miss that primordial essense more than anything, the unforgiving rawness is what i want. i could risk it all at this point just to know that i could get back to that.

as you can see from my lack of content. i am bored.

she comes in the form of a sleek silhouette surface of desire, sheer and steep the angle falls as it crescendos into finer and sexier forms. her complexion fairer than the glimmering surfaces of refined marble, accentuate those orbs that reflect the coldest shards of blue, and i witness in awe the enigmatic presence that follows her every step. her ankles support a brisk hop n skip of subtle innocence, but her hips sway with such relentless lust that i keep a watchful eye and tread softly......tread softly onto her curves, i work the angles and calculate the crevices. interlocked in such a primal act of release and expression, and with an exchange of smiles i am lifted to be momentarily suspended in that hearth where life originates, and in that violence there is unforgiving love whithin that exchange of intant reciprocity. a triad of gratification. physical, emotional, spiritual.

we are all faucets of creativity in our own way. whether its positive or negative you are in control of the flow. sometimes however the piping can be obstructed with all sorts of constricting bullshit. the force of the backlogged energies eventually will spring a leak thus causing unwanted problems which will undoubtedly manifest themselves of the most damp and soggy. i am the rusted marble sink of neglect. i vomit profusely my soul into the arms of my shallow bowl, in my own awe and wonder i speculate at my own articulate projections. what i see in this bowl is purely a reflection of myself looking right back up at me, unfiltered, raw and real. there is no shame to be had, i am a perfect manifestation of spirit in whatever form i choose to express myself. i need to unblock the passageways, there are too many obstructions keeping me away from my own freedom of expression. unfortunately i have to say that majority of it stems from my own home, the people who dwell under this roof, my so called family. i wish i could help liberate them, but i have tried and failed to loosen the noose. their paths have been set for them to decide where it leads, i can only worry about myself in the meantime.

spinach, apple cider vinagrette, sunflower seeds, walnuts, dried cranberries, and a salmon steak

there is no man vs nature
there is no man vs man
there is only man vs himself

we are wired in a way where we have it in our capability to react to external stimuli in which our five senses perceive. this information that is picked up by these senses paint a extremely comprehensive and detailed image of the world in which we inhabit. would it be possible that a human being without these senses become capable of perceiving a relative world in which he undoubtedly exists in? it is impossible to imagine what that would be like in a sense that for those of us who are able to sense the world would experience absolute and total death of the ego. with no reference point to dictate his actions he is literally free to simply be, a clean slate conscious detached wholly. would this being feel normal emotions or would they just simply not develop due to the fact that there would be nothing to stimulate those emotions? could this vegetative state be close to that of what the Buddhists call becoming enlightened in a state of nirvana?

i ask these questions because i am curious whether we are born with human nature or if our actions dictate our nature. innately science would explain to us that we inherit various traits of our ancestors, things that have been ingrained within the genetic code to help facilitate our own survival and evolution. but i would argue that it is certain experiences we perceive that would trigger these so called genetic inheritances that cause us to react in those tendencies. so perhaps we are equipped but are not necessarily primed to fire at will. i will argue that under favorable conditions that individuals who are born biologically healthy are equal relative to one another, it is the energy that the individual absorbs through his senses that cause him to transform and react. ultimately it is his choice whether he wants to expel the energy or to confine it and carry it with him. i would say that it would be healthiest to take moderation into consideration because both positive and negative experiences should be held onto, yet within a fine margin. still humans find the desire to extend into the extremes which could cause dire consequence, ironically enough this is how barriers are broken and how the unknown is discovered.

our stupidity can be masked by courage and vice versa. this makes us so horribly abysmal yet so beautifully unique. as above so below. i am nothing yet i am everything.

woman of mystery

when i look into her eyes, it is difficult for me to execute my normal application of analysis so i am forced to go directly into troubleshooting. have i become so afraid that i am completely unable to conclude a first impression, or is my mind still wandering off into nostalgia? in retrospect i feel more lenient to suffice my physical desires, so i feel more than anything at this point it is merely a means to fulfill an end. but why? is it just within the process of my healing, or am i just being a dog? half of me wanting to fulfill my salivating primal mind and the other half rationalizing to discover what both parties intentions are. as a whole i romanticize about both polarities and the winding paths each unpaved road bestows. holy fucking christ i am way to complicated to make any decisions. conundrums.

in the meanwhile

i marvel at her fair skin, bright complexion, chrystaline blue shards for eyes and her eccentric tendecies. she too understands the relationship that the human mind/body has with music and i revere a high level of respect in that aspect. but for now, i keep my emotions detatched and distant as it would be most wise to allow this ongoing healing process to continue into the concluding stages before i consider opening my heart again. it is slightly selfish to assume this indifferent role, but i think that essential for me to experience the coldness before i can continue foreward. i have never had a problem with solitude, and i have discovered it is easier to deal with myself alone than burdening someone else with my conflicts. i value these times of introspection. should i discover and reveal my self more to my own awareness, only then will i be able to maturely care for someone else.

dedicated to the only person who taught me more about life than 12 years of school did.

as the days grow older the petals of this complicated foliage that layers my mind blooms in a peak experience of clarity and momentary bliss. the petals eventually whither and shed themselves so now its time for a new growth season. experience has taught me not to be naive of my own immaturity. it is indeed humbling to aknowledge that established foundations do indeed become uprooted in order to make way for another seedling of opportune. i have learned significantly about how my own psychy works from that previous love and how it is these lessons that life bestows upon which inherently become your referance guides that will facilitate how you behave and think in the future. it is undeniably remarkable what the human mind will do in order to keep love alive, the experience of utter desperation in which the self inflicts mesochistic occurence has been so apparent in my last relationship that towards the end of this extremely volatile love my manic obsession and infatuation grew to unhealthy proportions. when i look back, i observe it through a pespective of positivity, it would seem copletely detrimental to do otherwise. that kind of passion i felt i fear will never be matched because it permeated through all levels of that relationship. becoming bound to someones body, mind and spirit in such a manner of intense love connection will truly never be severed because it has been ingrained deeply into my grey matter and muscle memory. i see them not as scars, nor war wounds but rather as abbrasions of wisdom. it was a process that needed to happen in order for me to grow into a more seasoned warrior, the kind of conditioning that prepares you for your destiny perhaps?

i am extremely happy i am able to look back with smiles and fond memories, the bad ones seem trivial at this point and its safe to say i can even crack jokes about it. leave it to your opposing nature to reveal yourself to you. i have learned so much

thank you
Dyakooyu
Salamat
mamnoon

" and you know thissssss maaaaaaaaaaaaan!"

5mg of dex
emotionless robotics
severs the strings to the heart
cold calculations
owning at paintball
adrenaline rushes all fucking night!!
merciless

the most rationalized and logical side of myself revealed today in the heat of battle
the capacity is frightening.
the illusion of clarity is intoxicating.

it smells like sex in here

my libido is itching, im so horny my fucking head is spinning
ive been playing the field but theres no challenge and its the 5th inning
perhaps i should quit it cuz id rather be fishing
for more appetizing catches under heat and hot flashes
girls with silked skin, dark hair and phat asses
i aint desperate to laying down the net so i can get whatever
i patiently rock the lure, regardless of the weather
under pressure my hunger increases
now im feelin for the next girl cuz im gonna shred her into pieces
attack mode, aggressive, post pubescent and salivating
hearts bold, progressive post adolecsant and down for penetrating
what im saying is that i really need to fuck
never do i adore a slut or a whore so im limited, im betting on my luck
to find a mentally sound girl whos profound and down for a pound
who can dance better than me and rocks ill to the hip hop sound
whos dirtier than dubstep and a freak if ya know what i mean
but at the same time, is lookin fresh and rocks good hygiene
intelligent, fly and reflects self respect
and well knowledgeable on the subject of a phallus erect
into her own thing so i know shes got a future
loyal, non flirtatious so i know id never lose her
a little fucked up cuz i know all yall girls are
just remember i love you just dont take it too far
woman ideal she appeals and appears in my dreams
could she be real? swimming alone in obscure streams?
i suppose i keep my eyes wide to see what the tides bring
no time for flings or petty things. im lookin for someone who can really make ma heart sing. lalalalalalaaaaaa
perhaps im a hopeless romantic, ya i know its tragic
but damn im a dreamer and this cities got my dick flaccid
surrounded by plastics, chemical acid and makeup
rednecks, clerics and religious retards
and a generation who lives for trivial breakups
i suppose its how i play my cards


dayumn, now im back to square one

my libido is itching......

vlad the inpaler

after watching stan brokers dracula directed by francis ford cappola, i not only realized how horrible keanu reeves acting is but also how enchanting cappola recreates the dracula story in his own bizzare, kinky, lustful, and romantic way. the film plays on our inner most desires which cause us into tempation, acting upon irrational inpulse. it is a most valuable lesson learned the consequence of giving into these desires, how this bloodlust takes control of you and acts in the most pure and absolute of raw emotion. the fleeting moment in which it arises will come to you in the most ecstatic of feelings. a feeling more powerful than any drug could ever emulate, a feeling that is addictive to the most wholesome of men and women. it over comes us all equally and we are all beneficiaries/vitctims of this phenomena, our passion bypasses the brain and our actions are dictated by the heart. it is tricky business indeed. where do we cross the line? i have seen both the light and the darkness myself of this "fleeting bliss" that has manifested itself severally on different occasions, and as i rationalize it now it only appears that i am further complicating the matter. ponder ponder ponder ponder.

anywhoo go watch stan brokers dracula if you havent seen it.

edges rough
colder than a slate of shale
weathered and refined by the water in which i was birthed in
i have felt those demons that dwell in the crevices unnoticed
unearthing a primal violent nature
in which the most tame cannot deny
frenzied movements of the damned
we unleash our art in disharmony
in our dissonance there is beauty
strength of a leviathan we stand united
brethren of misfortune.

cannibal corpse unleashed so many demons tonight. circle pits.
primordial essense in the form of beer sweats. too fucking heavy.

sex personality - psychology today

Different strokes for different folks; it's a common truth that applies not only to everyday life and habits, but also to the secretive world of the bedroom. What heats one person's engines may cool off another’s, and everyone expresses the natural human need for sexual intimacy in a unique and individual way. That's the beauty of our species - we are not homogeneous robots. Just as we love and communicate with others in different ways, so too do we bring diverse styles with us into the bedroom.

Your results on this test suggest that you are very open-minded when it comes to sexuality. You seem to welcome new experiences within the realm of sex and even if you aren't comfortable with a particular ingredient of it, you’re not the type to judge those who indulge themselves. Overall, you are not threatened by the diverse sexual tastes that make this world go round. In fact, you seem to be quite willing to tolerate sexual behavior that colors outside of the lines of “normalcy”, as long as both partners are into it. Keep up that attitude! (Just make sure to be just as respectful and tolerant of those who aren’t as sexually liberal as you!)

Overall results (score 89)


Overall attitude towards sexuality based on a continuum from conventional to liberal.

Your results on this test suggest that you are very open-minded when it comes to sexuality. You seem to welcome new experiences within the realm of sex and even if you aren't comfortable with a particular ingredient of it, you’re not the type to judge those who indulge themselves. Overall, you are not threatened by the diverse sexual tastes that make this world go round. In fact, you seem to be quite willing to tolerate sexual behavior that colors outside of the lines of “normalcy”, as long as both partners are into it. Keep up that attitude! (Just make sure to be just as respectful and tolerant of those who aren’t as sexually liberal as you!)

Spiciness (score 54)


Tendency and desire to be sexually innovative and explorative.

Your results indicate that you are comfortable experimenting sexually, but haven't explored a wide variety of options from the great palette of sex. You do have a creative nature, which keeps your sexual liaisons satisfactorily spicy, but generally prefer to stick to what's familiar. You seem to have discovered what pleases you, and plan to stick with it! As long as you are sexually fulfilled, keep it up!

Sexual Daredevil (score 20)


Level of sexual adventurousness and boldness.

According to the Sexual Daredevil Index, more daring sexual play (e.g. bondage, S&M, swinging, etc.) doesn't seem to strike your fancy. You tend to shy away from sex play that is exhilaratingly daring and appear to be downright disinclined to venture into the more wild side of the sexual realm. As long as you’re content with your tamer ways, then by all means, enjoy yourself! If however, you want to be more adventurous but are a little shy or unsure, try talking to your partner about your desire to be more of a daredevil.

Sexual Expression (score 100)


Comfort with expressing wants, desires, and sexuality in general.

It appears as though you are comfortable voicing your desires and sexuality in general, and likely have a partner who shares the same openness. This is essential for a healthy sex life. Sure, it takes courage to discuss sexuality, and there may be times when your partner will reject your ideas, but if you don’t voice them you’ll never know! Remember, however, that daring and adventurous sexual exploits (as well as sex in general) must be consensual, so it's okay for your partner to decline your suggestions. Given your open nature, it is quite likely that you will find a common ground that is exciting and mutually satisfying for both you and your partner.

Psychology today. hopeless romantic or cynical old man?

the mere fact that i took the time to do this test might say something about myself hahaha but heres the results.

" You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love. "
Henry Drummond

" Romance is about the little things. "
Gregory J. Godeck

" Romance, like the rabbit at the dog track, is the elusive, fake, and never attained reward which, for the benefit and amusement of our masters, keeps us running and thinking in safe circles. "
Beverly Jones

" When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance. "
Oscar Wilde


To bask in the delights of idealized love is, in essence, to be a romantic. Hollywood, it seems, has personified romance as candlelit dinners in fancy French restaurants or giggly chases in slow-motion through daisy-filled meadows. The truth is that expressions of love and affection don’t have to be expensive or overwhelming. Holding hands, casual walks, or a simple “I love you” are those little things which can really go a long way. If you aren't comfortable with the traditional romantic protocol, you can come up with your own ways of letting someone know how much you care. The truth is that there are no rules.

It is important to note that romance is not a component of love that appeals to everyone; nor is it necessary to keep passion alive. Passion can be stirred by simply being respectful and honest with the one you love. Whether you’re a romantic at heart or a more pragmatic lover, as long as you’re willing to put your heart and soul into a relationship there is no amount of roses, candlelit dinners or four-string quartets than can measure up or compare to that.

According to your score, you are a bit of a hopeless romantic. Rose petals, poignant poetry, tall glasses of wine, touching moments, and sweet words are all loving gestures that you enjoy receiving as well as offering. Romance is fairly important to you, and likely an aspect that you consider fundamental in relationships. Keep in mind however, that problems may arise if you are with someone who really isn’t the romantic type. If you look forward to Valentine's Day to express your love and your partner doesn't even acknowledge it as a special day, you might end up feeling neglected or your efforts unappreciated. Nevertheless, even if your partner isn't as romantically inclined as you are, try to be appreciative of his/her efforts when she/he does try to woo you. Some people aren’t comfortable displaying their affection in screamingly obvious ways, but this doesn’t mean that they don’t care – they simply prefer to be more subtle. Whether it’s you or your partner who is doing the romancing, check out the ideas in the Advice section for some simple and sweet romantic gestures that aren’t tough on the wallet or too overwhelming.

i ask how? how do you see past the multifaceted orifices that spew out incessant bullshit from every angle? how is it possible to seek any kind of white light? no salvation in sight, or so it appears that way. it is bleak, very bleak for these people here and i am being tossed and torn by such conflicting forces externally and internally. i havent felt any kind of calm until that last day. on the surface i my skin is cool, my expression nuetral but my nerves and synapses are firing at 100X the normal rate. i am so tense and the source of this irregularity is evasive. subconciously i have cried out, trying to hold this cauldron filled to the brim, spilling toxic brew everywhere. i have a million excuses i could pull out of my ass that are entirely external causes, just me pointing the finger. but it is rare when i look deep whithin myself to find that all problems arise there. i need to learn how to be more humble but carry myself with a sense of pride and dignity at all times. i need to maintain my passive stance but also be willing to die for the things i live and love for. family, friends, memories. protect those things even if it is from myself. i need to master compromise, sacrifice and yet know when i need to stand firmly. i need to reclaim my heart again and keep it securely nailed in place, its kind of sick and twisted but i have admitted to my mesochistic tendencies. i need to know why i am like this. and how i can 180 this habit. i need to find a solution quick. my foresight sees an ugly future if things dont start to change.

oficially a cheuvanist.

her eyes strike mine in line at the soda
and im like aaw fuck, i gotta turn and pull a cold shoulda
shes the lost psychosomatic addict for attention
artificial plastic, erradic, and beyond comprehension
she puts on a twisted smile and gives me a hug
and they way shes movin, she just wanted to fuck
now how am i gonna squeeze myself out of this position
stoned and itchin for a bone, this girls on a mission
shes smart and understands the driving force in a man
the conquest for phat ass and girls with a tan
so she took the higher ground and leapt for the kill
i said "HOLD UP I AINT GOT TIME FOR NO THIRLLS, yo excuse me for the intrusion but your act is whack, slacked and its leaking through the cracks of your foundation. why do you persist as this eblmem of tempation, bait for the weak minded, another fix for your sexual drive, one by one they fall to your infidelity, your backwards vanity, neurotic insanity and grandoise fantasies. get a grip or else youll slip on your own two feet that you thought were solid. your not the hot topic, get a class on sum logic dayuumn.


slitherin between crags and crevices
your every rational mans nemesis
you exude manipulation amongst the premises.
get close enough and you go straight for the neck.

*dedicated to the lack of legit girls in calgary....sigh*

my nigga sol

SPRING!. FINALLY!!!!
the sun embraces my needy skin and instantaneously my spirits are lifted.
this is all it takes, is just the sun and its comforting blanket of rays. i feel like i am being hugged by all existense all at once. this is the one good thing about seasonal affective disorder, i may be absolutely abysmall during winter but my true colors can finally shine through with the assistence with a little bit of sunlight. it is so significant, and it plays a crucial role in my mood and overall attitude. this is one of the main reasons i need to get the fuck out of a place that has winter for 9 months, it isnt healthy for me whatsoever.

ahh yes, the brown skinned blues may finally dissipate with the snow, where all my brown folks at? ITS OK!!!! COME OUT!! ITS SAFE WHOOO!!!!!

oh gratuitous sun i prostrate myself to thee
your superfluous tendencies i am not worthy of
i give thanks to your selfless offerings
the light of lights
the king of kings
penetrate me with your crown of thorns
provide light for this crab scuttling in darkness
come july the month of fruition i am closest with yee
and we can greet whatever comes in our path with open arms and chechire grins.

filling gaps (with cream cheese)

just one moment
one insignificant yet profound second is all i need
a slight of hand to bring it all back again
like a foolish sea faring man in utter defiance i stand in this crows nest facing the storm that has come to pass. "WAS THAT IT!!!? IS THAT ALL YOU FUCKING GOT!!!? YOU CAN DO BETTER!!". he slumps to the floor tattered and scarred wishing that turbulent ocean would have swept him away, but perhaps it is not yet his time to be put out of his own misery. his hooked right hand clings with a grip of rigor mortis to the mast. this massive mast of cynicism and doubt that keeps him rooted on this rotting boat.

there is a reason why i am still here, wading in Dante's inferno
wandering around the city of dis trying to piece together broken relationships
tying loose ends, shedding more skin.
i am undergoing a metamorphosis, i can feel this transformation.
one half clinging onto all it knows and one half that's liberated itself completely, bored and looking for something new.

and i remember, what you taught me
and i remember, how you tried to break my wall
and i can still feel, those burning embers of that wildfire
and i can assure that i appreciate it all

seelich suizid, herz Scherbenhaufen

i traverse the circumference of this wheel of time and space.
significant cogs working whithin a system vast beyond contemplation
as above so below. cosmic process rippling throughout all planes
and the universe cannot be without my own significance
the universe cannott BE without that speck of dust.
because the entirety of all existence rests inside a droplet of fresh rain.
and yet it is empty.
as above so below, as above so below
my epic runs parralel that of the cosmos, parralel that of your story and it appears i am bound to this fate.
faded smiles and salted cheeks
i am full yet i am empty
i am spiralling out of control
losing my grip on these sediments the harder i squeeze.


and i release a long sigh of exhaustion
whos in a bunker?
women and children first of course.
stop right there, this room is dense with that familiar sickness
i had to leave and face this onslought of artillery

as above so below
i am empty yet so full

patriarchal reflection mirrored. i am choking.
i fear his sickness, i fear his demons for they dwell in me also
stubborn pride wields the dagger
stained with the blood of many loved now lost

nothing to pull me in, no elascticity left
where is Dr jekyll to Mr hyde


a thousand sighs
as above so below.

wisdom of the ancients.

our tribal ancestors cross culturally would have very similar celebrations which involved the ritual of becoming inebriated (to become drunk or any other altered state) and these annual events were usually in honor of celestial movements in they sky. our ancestors were extremely in tune with the cycles of the earth and how it revolves, revealing patterns with the sun moon and the constellations. what is interesting about this is that all monotheistic religions theoretically can base their entirety to these ancient belief systems that involve visible celestial bodies, cosmic events and our relationship with entheogenic plant life. one of the most ancient traditional esoteric teachings that circulated amongst various mystery schools during the 16th century, is the notion that "on earth as it is in heaven" or "as above so below". this simple teaching acknowledges the idea of polar opposites that create a whole (ying, yang, microcosm and macrocosm) this can be displayed by playing octaves on a piano, they may not resonate the same frequency but they are able to harmonize with eachother. one really good example of how the ancients represented this idea of polar opposites is the scandinavian symbol of the tree of yggdrasil which depicts a tree with branches above and branches of roots below in the ground. it is also interesting to note that mesoamerican cultures also have symbolic representations of the "world tree".

the animal constelations in the sky that make up the zodiac are zoomorphisms that were revered as gods by people who beleived in ancient astrology. these zoomorphisms can be looked upon as projections of our selves, (as above so below). the attributes we apply to these constelations dwell whithin us all. these celestial representations were written whithin metaphors and poetics which ultimately breathed life into these symbols to help us understand the concepts we created. the same thing occurs when we anthropomorphize these celestial bodies into the gods we base our religions upon. we create these gods in the likeness of ourselves and in the likeness of natural phenomena, for example we have fertility goddeses, sun gods, moon gods, gods that represent death, so on and so forth. (as above so below). murals or other forms of artwork of these anthropormized deities are merely characters, what is truly inportant is there appearance and their attributes that they aquire given by humans. was it isnteresting to the least is that cross culturally, societies that worshipepd the son also ascribed a charachter to anthropomorphize it in myth, judeo/christian, islam, egyptian, mayan, olmecs, toltecs, varous other native american tribes, sumerians, assyrians, persian and many others have deitic representations. what is really interesting is the fact that many of the same attributes are equally applied to this sun god deity. for example, christ and horus were both birthed from a virgin.

scientifically it is the rotation of the tilting of the earhs axis that causes the sky to move as it does, this single handedly has become the foundation for many mystic belief. if you were to take a timelapse photgraph of the north star you will see that it appears that the stars surrounding it appear to be rotating around the north star, or the stars on an easter horizon would appear to be rising as the sun does. this cyclical moving of cosmic bodies became mapped and were used as tools for human beings. for example, at morning during the spring time, the sun rises abov ethe horizon and is in front of pisces, in autumn the sun is still in the same position in the sky during that particular time of day. during winter the sun appears to be lower o nthe horizon during the same time it was previously during spring and autumn. this position change occurs when he sun is in the house of scorpio as it has brought death and the coming of winter. it has been interpereted as being the deciever as it looks right into you as it strikes you with its venomous tail. in correlation, the decsiple judas as one of the twelve apostles (scorpio in the zodiac) is depicted giving christ teh kiss of death symbolizing the death of the sun and the coming of winter. on the day of the winter solctice, the sun stops its descent and for three days it rises in the same place until after the third day it begins its slow ressurection as teh days get longer. doesnt this sound familiar?......

to be continued.

steak quesadilla (blackened cajun steak, banana peps, smoked cheddar, jack chedd, fire roasted pepes, and creme aigre

nocturnal to the very best, im in search for a catalyst to resuscitate my hearts constant state of lack of this and a lack of that. i try to be coercive whithin these verses which is leaving my back turned and shirtless. it is worthless to assume an impending doom siting here in this vacant room? the walls are whitewashed and so am i, my culture encased within the boundaries of monetary and fiscal policies, left out to dry under this heatlamp that turns food stale and consumers pale, frail, leaving a trail of excrements. i have all these sentiments as leftovers from that rediculous crossover. and i say rediculous because it was just that. who the fuck knows how many rows of pharisees i have to appease and please in order to just have peace of mind, a piece of that pie. my furrows cause a crease in thy brow that spell out concern. though all in all i have learned what its like to toss and turn. to fall and burn and to be reborn again a pheonix, eyes ablaze a bird of prey in front of a backdrop of grey. as above so below i follow in the footsteps of the sun. i proudly display this crown of thorns, scars and remnants of myself as broken shards do be swept up and tossed, not hidden under the carpet.

i follow no doctrine
no ideal, no pretentious thrills for me thanks
i am perfectly fine to climbatize with my own mind
reference points are always dope though, because in truth they do help you cope
but. do not be fooled by the surface and its glam. its maya maaaaaaan!!!

perverted undertones

conversation between self and a pastor

pastor: pornography is perverting an entire generation of people who consider what is performed in the content deemed acceptable by normal respectable standards. pornographic material should be made illegal

Ashton: with all due respect sir prohibition never works, it only increases the desire and means to obtain the pornographic material thus increasing illegal activities. look at what happened during the alcohol prohibition era of the 30s. imagine the equivalent of that only relative to the pornographic industry of today which is bigger than the music industry mind you.

pastor: moral degradation is occurring all over the world, the material gives people ideas that they should perform such degrading acts to people the supposedly love.

ashton: human beings have that dark side which you would call "inherited sin" so regardless if pornography existed these acts would still occur.

pastor: true but not at such a common level, have you ever watched porn and wanted to perform the acts you saw on a girl?

ashton: well you win that one.

gold leafs

so im chillen with my main men vickram and sanjay at work, im buggin out thick, i havent smoked in three says so shits getting bad. sanjay whips out a gold leaf indian ciggarete and hands it to me. a placebo effect already ensues, as i hold the gold leaf the symptoms of my addiction disperse immediately. this leads me to think that this shit is all in my fucking head. i smoked the gold leaf anyway and it was delicious, shit was nicotine free too. damn good shit.


now im chillen in my kitchen filth writing this, the ball butter is building up so i suppose i will shower and probably rub one out. AAAAAAAAAAAAH the life of a lowly cook WOOT!!!

golkars gold

hey hows a goin?
yeah its kind of slow and kinda borin
specially when everyones corrupt to the core an
i wish i could dissect the kind of disrespect
fakes and frauds filled up to my neck
but hey yo hows it goin
your hair is flowin and i wont leave without knowin
what it is that makes you smile, just for a lil while :)
like a perfect cheerio in a pile of shit i think your legit
dont call it quits not now not ever
give me the pleasure to help you make it better
if its cold out ill let you use my sweater hee hee

but yo hey, hows it goin
i kind want to see you grow an
rock your full potential
dont worry your not a rental, your essential
to the human elemental
not to get all sentimental n shit
but we could hold hands even for a lil bit
so go
im telling you GOOO!!!
get the fuck out of your damning home
forget your computer and fuck your phone
just for a couple days seek something new
you and i both know you got nothing to lose
fuck your hatred and your shitty attitude
that outfit doesnt look good on you

but whaddup hows it flowin?
its green outside and the rain is pourin
im going to dance in a open lot and splash in puddles
why? cuzz i fucking can!!!!!
ill be home just in time for cuddles
you know im good for that shit
only a few more months of misery
until im babied in victorias amnesty
to rightfully bathe in native ancecstry
this shit is my fucking birth right

but like yo what the fuck is up
i have a toast so raise your cup
to my girl whos lost on the western coast
the host to my potential freedom
LIBERTAAAD!!!!!!

frosty prostitots

yo attitudes up for edit, yeah i said it cuzz i cant give you proppa dollas or credit. your a clepto from the get-go you steal the she show with your bright eyes and flashy clothes walking around with ya snot nose, in the air straigtened layered hair you dont give a fuck except with your luck youll find a eager dick to suck. inventions for attention shaking ass that causes erection, my detection sees right through that bitch in her high heeled shoes. its a win lose, id love to tap that phat ass but how long will it last before i wake up one morning and discover a rash? open wallet with no cash she played that card she made a dash! DAMN, her purpose makes me nervous when she offered her service far to eaaaaasy, i was tipsy she was sleasy flashin them itty bitty titties beggin for a quickie. you gotta do what you gotta, lie, cheat and steal no hesitation to slaughta, no interception of a father makin you hotta than a hoe with ghonorhea. nice ta meetchyeaa but i really got no time to spend dimes on a dime, ya feel? keep it real! owned for sellin out for sellin ass, your bound to crash and its tragic that you got sick with a hat trick 3rd score your diseased to the core but your still getting pounded on the bathroom floor. low self esteem is what you got out of this cream dream, lettin in lettin out steam, itchin for another fix'n to keep goin on your day to day lowly livin.

yo attitudes up for edit yea i said it cuz your runnin dicks like a machine that accepts debit
cash or credit, plastic or paper whats todays flavor? your doin favors walking on thin razors,
oh shanequa the bodegas weekly flava, id hit it but id neva date ya
im sorry ya chose this path for sellin ass fo cash
givin out fucks for bucks
YA FAKE AS FUUUUUUUCK




*hip hop your the love of my life\
militia kidssss can ya feeel meee!!! BOH

Twin salt shakers

obscured in almost every sense this ultimate sum of grey matter that has been working in overdrive to sort out this seemingly endless dillema, cant even begin because the problem has not even been identified. i have squandered endlessley to find some sort of external catalyst to point the finger at but the only deeper wounds were cut, wounds that are sure to surface as inexplicably obvious scars. i refuse to weep, grief in the form of salty liquids are held back because i want to wallow in this brief moment, feel its absolute penetration through my stubborn ego until i cannot bear it any longer, illiciting a brute force ambition to take action. childlike tantrums, foolish actions out of desperation all in all quite patheticly strung together exposing my weaknesses. i suppose this is what happens when you cling to the ugly bitter end trying to milk out whatever you can out of a fantasy turned real even if it is only momentary. perhaps because it is momentary i choose to cling? but if this is true then why would i set myself up for such an epic fail? you have proven to have been one of the greatest teachers in my life, lessons ingrained slipped in your package of mischief, constantly switching hands always one step behind eachothers footsteps, spiralling out into ying yang oblivion. regardless of any compromisations made at the top of this tower, neither of us took heed the faulty foundations. now that i look back i cant seem to find anything solid to base it upon other than pure infatuation and the longing to love and be loved. seperated by qualities fixed we were like oil and water, beautiful patterns are created at our encoutners and clashings but never once do they mix. we reacted like two potent and unstable elements, a failed experiment of one magalomaniac scientist who thinks with grandeur. niether of us wanted what the other offered and i felt it reached proportions of forcefeeding our selfish doctrines, projecting that abuse that would have otherwise been self inflicted. with opposing natures there is no right or wrong, just perspective, light and dark, children of the same seed. in our own right both of our intentions were pure regardless of the head on clash from the extremeties that our ugly selves managed to conjure. i mark you with the crosshairs of a howitzer that fires 20mm rounds of pure undying respect for your decision, its the best way for me to defeat emotional attatchment. no mans land lays in utter waste peppered with craters of each missfire, the trench lines trade hands more frequently than a hipster changes fads. progression at this moment is stalemate. half assed goodbyes indeed. but damn, im fresh out of someone to dance with....


i was the salt and yous was the peppa

let go.

overboiled perogies, sour cream simulated bacon bits and green onions.

a blaring pheonix perishes in a fury of spontaneous combustion, and whithin that heaping pile of ashes it is reborn again. i have chased the heart of one who doesnt give a fuck about nothin. but whatever, no fingers pointed. just the lessons annointed from that feeling of utter dissapointment. inevitable outcome came with this seemingly eternal connundrum, and what i learned is to question when you get those feelings of tension. doubt because without it there is no inquiry, advoation of skepticism because theirs alot of bullshit desguised as truth. used and abused the lies reek like the taitned cum on the bedsheets, i promise to myself never will i let my emotions be toyed in such a ruthless matter, conniving chatter. integrity compromised for love is never worth the sacrifice, intensity maginified as it spirals out i lose my own identity. i know how to spot em when i see em now, so its all gravy.

a blaring pheonix perishes in a fury of spontaneous combustion, and whithin that heaping pile of ashes it is reborn again. i have seen the eyes of another. this one looks more promising, but im forced to not beleive the hype as i approach with caution. more reserved, legit for real and connected to earth, could she be the one to finally quench my thirst? for now i leave my embers dim, for i no longer trust loves chance on a whim. i cant block my flow so i gotta roll solo for now so i can allow my self grow.

goodbye

we've felt the highest of highs
and the lowest of lows
but i suppose.
thats just how polarities go
our experience together has forced us to transform and to grow
so let it be known
that a seed of potential has been sown
alone, ive always known
that you would return to your home
detatched and unhinged is what ive been shown
and like a crab does, he loves till the bitter end
clinging to the stinging loss of a friend
stubborn persistence is the name of the game
and im sorry if its compromised your goals and your aims
i admire your bravery
to exradite yourself from societal slavery
or maybe its stupidity and lack of clarity
i hath not the courage to take that gamble
memories of star gazing on the road to shambles
i got too close and i got bit by the panther
but in a sense thats exaclty what i was after
times of laughter and moments of tears
and sometimes moments you just grind my gears
lovers amidst that furious passion
we expressed it all in such a voilent fashion
a release for the both of us, i thank you for this
for showing me a fleeting moment of eternal bliss.
i close this tale because soon youll be surfing gales
sharing homes with fishes and whales

until whatever, whenever?

jibberish

hernandez cortez searched for the fountain of youth and all he did was destroy a beautiful culture...............

its these fucking vultures who pave an abysmall path
kissin ass, consuming it fast. these automated pathological monstrocities.
i see no difference between then and now. nothings changed, just the means of how its done. stinkfist, elbow deep in colon stimulation. you know that sensation is going to lose its appeal once youve dried it all up. your going way to fast. fuck please slow down. what are you looking for? i beg of you just keep it in third. ive seen both sides. spiralling out i cant stop that chaotic ocean.

remember this name

fourtet.

seasonal afectional disorder is just a fancy way to say that the winter months suck balls and make you as miserable as old man who has an aquired distaste in youth pop culture. slash. youth pop culture does indeed blow the fromage right off an uncircumcised penis so i suppose im right up there with the old man in thh nosebleeds. but alas, all hope is not lost for spring is flashing her bountifull bosom, and like the old man to my left i too have a pair of bonoculars staring down her concaves. its about time we take that icicle out of our asses and walk with our heads up eh? sodomoziation in minus 30 degree weather is not my kind of kinky evening. having sweaty jungle love in aprons whilst barbequeing that lovely med rare slab of juicy succulent rump, sipping cervezas on your balcony so the entire neighborhood can bask in those lovely sights and smells is more enticing. besides fred next door told me his sex life with merideth is lamer than a tupperware party.....and merideth loves to have tupperware parties. so lets spice some shit up.

first off, lets replace the community center with a huge bonfire in the center, surrounded by intricate spiritual geometrics with massive subs on pillars to facilitate the saturday pow wows. trade in your SUV and rigs for fine persian carpets THAT FLY!!!!. transform your cookie cutter houses into something that looked like you put alex greys, frida khalos, and terrence mckennas brain into a blender on frappe. blast away the local wallmart away with some low end dubstep and reconstruct a bazaar in the parking lot where people can sell there art, acrobatics, entertainment, food, music, and entheogens(responcibly). everyone can turn there cheap ikea catalougue backyards into sustaining vegetable patches or zen gardens. all of this is indeed possible, but i wonder as to why its not like this? do pepole really enjoy mediocrity that much that they have to surround themselves entirely of this opaque plastic encasing of falsifications? i guess so. the world isnt that hostile as we make it out to be, its just our own lame insecurities that make it so sketchy. enter the vicious circle. things arent looking to swell folks, and shits only getting worse, an ideology is only as good as the individual who created it, and im not sure how far i can throw karl marx, jesus christ or adam smith. maybe, everything on the outside was alright on its own. nature does its own deal why do we insist on manipulating it?.......oh wait, greed and slefishness thats why. so the problem is whithin. well obviously. this message has been trying to weavel itself into everyday cognitive activities for hundreds of thousands of years and we STILL dont get the fucking idea.

in truth, i am getting tired. maybe its just that cheeseburger i ate.

do i eat because im bored? yes as a matter of fact i do.

clean slate
ive collected all of the fond memories
discarded all of the bad, that were trivial in the first place.
no more heartache, no more games. no more frills and thrills.
i didnt have the foresight to adhere to this inevitable outcome, how could i have been so easily swayed? my vision cuts through the veil.
i realize that its all been rehashed and wrought upon by fear.
i hath not the strength to care anymore...but i obtain stubborn persistence
this is the last hurdle...loosen the grasp, nobody owes you shit.
my efforts lost whithin a void of futility.
my emotions toyed with like a toddlers playthings.

ashton your head was in the fucking clouds man. focus. no more distractions. realistic goals.

forgive, learn, forget,

things happen as they should
what may appear a downfall is a blessing in disguise.....thats if you choose to grab it that is.

poached pears in caremalized red wine

break on through


past the rebar and the drywall and the concrete, and the cofees, and the amphetamines and the mcdonalds and the 9 to 5, and the car, and the job, and the mortgage, and the cell phone, and the lawyers, and the stocks, and the business deal, and the contracts, and the marriage, and the church, and the tobacco, and the alchohol, and the prozac, and the TV, and the media, and bill oreilly, and the government, and L ron hubbard, and george dub, and global warming, and deforestation, and the industries, and the oil, and the republicans, and he democrats, and the central bank, and the jealousy, and the pride, and the envy, and the hate, and the lies, and the sellouts, and the false, and the manipulation, and the miscommunication, and the NWO, and the global elites, and pharisees, and jesus, and allah, and yahweh, and jehova, and joseph smith, and the genocide, and the white mans burden, and the genocide, and the holocaust, and the toxins, and the pollution, and the poverty, and the ego, and the self rightous, and the pretentious, and the goat, and the crab, and the scorpion, and maya, and the regulation, and the left, and the right, and the day and the night, and the woman and the man, and the sorrow, and the bombs, and the borders, and patriotism and communism and facshism and everything in between, and ADD, and deppression, and autism, and cancer, and samsara, and you and me, him and her, I and IT.

there is no man vs. man
there is no man vs. nature

there is only man vs. himself
what hes done and how its dealt
either faced now or put on the shelf
the delicate balance between poverty and wealth

the problems cleaned with solvents
always leave streaks and sprout leaks
escapists flee with all honesty
they should not have to suffer
not without a lover
to grant them the key to their own potential
thats permanently residential in what you percieve

cold and ugly - LOOT

Underneath her skin and jewelry,
Hidden in her words and eyes
Is a wall thats cold and ugly
And shes scared as hell.
Trembling at the thought of feeling.
Wide awake and keeping distance.
Nothing seems to penetrate her.
Shes scared as hell.

I am frightened to.

Wide awake
And keeping distance from my soul.
I am scared like you.

kymatica reflections.

the only form of reprisal we have to escpape the detrimental confines of oppression is through the search of truth, and wisdom as to what to do with this knowing. the truth, for the most part is far too frightening for people to grasp so they insist on manufacturing barriers between them and the as a matter of fact reality of things. the line between truth and falsifications is so thin, and constantly moving that it requires the explorer to be constantly checking and rechecking established beliefs with an underlying level of doubt, for without doubt there is no inquiry and without inquiry there is no progress. it is naive to be solidified whithin ANY belief system, these ideals are merely maps that help us coordinate ourselves through the space time continuum, they have no "real" tangible worth in this realm, rather they extend themselves out from the more ethereal and subtle worlds of existence. choose the best ones carefully, for some are indeed better than others but never in any case close the doors to other possibilities.

What is truth? well, i suppose in the postmodern world truth is completely subjective. people have themselves convinced that their own truths are true and that other peoples truths are not. this crag form of elitism has unfortunately been damaging to the communicative and unifying process of evolution. the tongues of babel rant and rave but nobody can understand because no common ground is found. the world is split into so many unique branches but it appears that everyone has forgotten the roots and trunk that nurture all. tsk tsk human beings, id like to see you get out of this rut.

*disclaimer

if you have experienced any of the following.......

clocking out gives me a perfect excuse to puchase tobacco, paying royalties to Atco with an airshow of swooping crows. i could never know the future path that im bound to make the time to take a secular moment for these feeble rhymes. is it such a crime to be open minded? well mr johnson and his whie merideth think so. you gotts keep up with them and spend your quality shceduled family intervals inside condensed fucking consumer pitri dishes. so i take the responciblity of a listless observer experiencing the "IT" ness of the moment. my conscious development undergoing subconscious transactions, trading off wordly knoweldge for divine wisdom. i mark this encision with an inquisition of a passive purge. i obtain the urge to make love with a surge of new found zealous. no time to be jealous or pekish. help yourself to the abundant love thats right underneath your fucking nose, this feelings enclosed inside a cove of titanium. my cranium has expanded the number of seats of a collosul stadium. i have witnessed infinity, i am eternal whithin this reversal of ups and downs, smiles and frowns, love and hate i concentrate..... on this karmic path i chose to be a part of, buy the ticket take the ride dont hesitate to see whats inside the boundless depths whithin the mind. collectively we ALL try to find the diamond in the rough which can only be found in unconditional trust.i live a life of booms and busts, sparkling reflections and eldered rust. i must find some sort of reprisal in a tropic isle, i realize my experience deserves more. i refuse to budge because this ape brain chooses to judge from the root of insecurity. ive recently tasted purity and refuse to easily let go, these stubborn claws are frozen to this love and refuse to thaw. i am but a recluse hidden inside a corporate shoe, riding the heavy strides of estalbished lies, there are some days id like to die, hoping for an afterlife of promise. perhaps not, if i follow the guides of love enchated compass. the answers are there, the truth is whithin reach and i still resort to the projections of a leech, i dare not preach right from wrong, because from the notes ive seen this melodies a different song.......trailing off. its like this yall, its like that yall errybody bounce ya ass to the beat yall, its like this yall its like that yalli wanta see ya move ya funky feet yall. mumble mumble.....trailing off drunkard rants.


shibideee bebop sheebop taka rang rang slam jam uncle sams a sham.....(trailing off drunkard ramblings).mumble mumble.


.....please contact your physician

holy fucking christ.

deviant smiles at the thoughts of what i want to do you
addiction to friction creates the pungence of funky residues
puddles of liquids pounding gluteus maximus lipids
its a slippery slope, but who the fuck cares
love and lust, incriminating evidence on bed sheets crust
fuck its been a while ive been coughin up dust
wake of virgos full rising
theres no denying at the perfect timing
its tantalizing
can you feel the pressure climbatizing?

pant, pant, boom, bust. repeat 5 times for results.

these little pincers of mine have become quite accustomed to latching onto things with the grip of rigor mortis. this death grip i have aquired i realize has only been the cause of fear, being afraid of the deep blue waters that have so much depth, opportune and freedom. perhaps i am afraid of my own freedom? even now i catch myself wading in the shallow corals of doubt, i can comfortably wedge myself into these multicolored crevises where i can feed off of the same floor and know that i will be sustained. but behind this armoured encasing i feel undoubtedly incomplete, unchallenged and stale. what am i afraid of? failuire? loss? dissolution of ego? dissolution of my establishment and preconceptions? all of these things are masks of the same face. all of this fear is rooted from the same core. my god the threshold seems so vast, why do i cling to this rock so firmly? even the algai lets go and moves on. i am much more capable than algai. i have felt the playful current that a bubbly sea horse has created, curiously i snatch my one pincer outreached to grasp her tail but i miss everyime because my other pincer is so firmly clenched onto this rock. my bleak squiggly eyes let out a gasping sigh as she swims off to western lagoons.

i have becoming increasingly more accepting at the concept of loss. i have lossed so much already, to dwell and worry only causes this furious cycle of self enslavement which manifests itself in the most ugly ways. i feel as if i have projected everything that is lesser of me onto the things i am intimate with. more specifically people. i admit now that i was wrong to assume anything, nothing is concrete, nothing lasts, but nothing is forgotten. it is foolish to deny this fundamental and universal law. all pain is self induced. we choose to suffer because its what we know best. take it as it comes and be one with that moment, thats all there is and ever will be. i mind puke at the thought that i was so close to losing all my sanity in this mindstate of self defeat and mediocrity. i cancel my subsription, i dont want any of this anymore. because the ape mongering mind is such a cunt i am going to have to utilize it just a little bit longer so i can set myself free. my dream is revived.

jesus christ, the inhalation of tobacco needs to end.

the four gods

focus, integrity, truth, compassion

shedding shells, binding pincers, scuttling sideways

if i was having a severe anxiety attack in front of a group of people, it would most likely go unnoticed. all the symptoms are there, the feeling that i need to projective vomit, every single nerve is on fire, sweaty palms, "restless leg syndrome", laboured breathing. i have come so accustomed to my condition that i can for the most part function normally outwardly without any disability. the only thing that would give it away is the occasional eye twitch. this, shell. this suit of armour that has developed over time reflects a cold and emotionless visage, to rationalize the situation is to protect my heart from further collapse, but at the same time it keeps me in the dark. as a bit of a confession, beneath this indifferent, weathered and disensitized caste lays an extremely vulnerable and extremely sensitive soul. i havent been honest with the demands of that self and i have left it out in the open, up for grabs. like a lion with too much pride i have gotten lazy and turned my back on the cackling hyenas who would swipe at my litter in any given opportunity. my integrity has been undermined, my values dishelved...i feel like a samurai who sold out the bushido code for a few silver coins, now i am am on my knees ready to perform seppuku. even now though somehow i feel like this needed to happen in order to shed my old skin and grow into something more evolved and refined. i have milked out this monkey mind for so long, i have squeezed this land of milk and honey to the last drop and now its time for me to move on. i feel as a man, that i should fulfill the archtypical template for the protector/provider, to be able to stand strong in the face of fraudulence. for so long i have embarked with the goddess within me i am swaying in femenine energies of passiviness and receptivity forgetting to integrate it with the masculine energies. i am still searching to complete this cohesive ying yang relationship of opposites in all aspects of life, trying to understand the seperation, trying to integrate opposing natures. but now its time for me to make the total 180, i flick the switch and i leap to the other side of the spectrum. my journey begins now.

after hours at the rockshop

chillen aferhours in the rockhop, the fluorescent open sign is closed and the metal link gate is closed. let the music making commence. smoking a ciggarete in the recording room i observe the maze of cords for mics and amps snake around my feet. the room is blue with the tobacco smoke, gin and tonic was sipped freely, joints were being passed, and the individuals taking part in the ritual of pregaming each independantly sought their connection with the gods of groove, the gods of funk and the gods of metal. two krews openly divided into a polarity of lifestyle, the rock n rollers with their desert rock influenced jambouree, sleeve tatoos, 80s hair, tight pants, stories of debaucherous nights fueled cocaine and jack daniels. on the other side of the spectrum we were the hooded stoners, a mish mash of all musical influences all condensed into one, 90 steez that never left. stories of countless nights deliving into the schizophrenic world of psychoactives and the spiritual realms of entheogens, we sat, hoods up and chink eyed. we completed a quentissential ying yang relationship in the jam room. they were fucked on coke and we were flying on shrooms, the energies collided insanely but found its harmony whithin the erotic eloping my drumming had with the guitarist in his cocaine stupor and with calders stoner grooves on the bass. my mind was built for music. we jammed the night away. too much testosterone. out of conrol. violent spirit.

sex inside a subwoofer


the deeper the bass the deeper the penetration
the wickid smirks on our faces, this is pure evil
lubricated with sweat the deed is fucking filthy
dirt, grime, funky residues.
skrew around for a little while, dubstep is the devils music.
eargasmic, i am violated by the lo-fi rapes me through the frequencies
oh god, shes starting to bite her lip, it means she likes it.

mundane prophecies

1:30 in the afternoon i lift my droggy head from a bed that is not even my own, my mind trying to calibrate itself from being in the dream realm. as vivid as they are, and i remember they are getting more increasingly vivid, i can only remember fragemented bits and pieces of them. sigh* another 24 in the mundane waking state some of us courageously call life, my selfish body demands so much. the saliva tastes stale in my mouth, the hair on my head smells like musk against my pillow and what little hair i can grow triumphantly makes its pathetic existence known as i rub my hand over my lips and chin. what does it all mean? i hardly ask this question and i now realize i should do it every morning. why do i even get up in the morning? what is the purpose that drives me to wake up in the first place, what am i trying to fulfill? for me, i really have to look very hard to find the beauty in the place i live. i have my family, my friends my music and the arts to keep me from losing my sanity for the most part. but beyond that everything else i find to be very unpleasantly boring, and fucking cold, fraudulent, spiritually lacking and all of these things seem to trickle down and latch themsleves onto me turning me into a unpleasantly boring, cold, fake and spiritually lacking being. lacking beuty, lacking the love i want to give, lacking the love i want to recieve, lacking the mental and physical stimualtion i desire for, lacking the culture and the sense of community i was built for. i am more concerned for humanity at a global spiritual scale than i am for my own sake, where the fuck are we going? its chaos, uncontrolled and rampant. the ones who are tring to salvage anything good and decent in this world are losing their minds faster and taking it the hardest, confused and lost they seem, trying to cling onto the things that they are comfortable with. i miss the smiles i used to see, well maybe its because im not smiling that i fail to notice them.

The most fucked up dream ever

my family and i were in some sort of fantasy amusement park with really bizzare atractions, rides that looked like instant death. a carnival of surrealistic proportions. i remember we got on this rollercoaster type ride that was built extremely flimsy but skyrocketed at high speeds. at one of the dips i remember falling out and holding on with one hand, my body flailing in the wind. after the amusement park i remember going back to apparently was my home, a house i have never seen before. my family was there all complaining to me how i didnt have a job and because of it i wasnt able to spend my birthday with my friends. my friends arrived to take me on a roadtrip, i remember seeing amir, paul, derrick, calder, a few other familiar places from the krew. my family shooed them out of the house rather rudely and i became furious so i went into the garage to dance to really dirty dubstep in front of a huuuuuge subwoofer and speaker stack that was playing from a huuuuge boombox. the scene transformed into me being in a truck with my dad going somewhere, we got into a fight that turned violent and i knew he was out to kill me. he chucked me into the back seat of the truck and i waited for the perfect moment to strike. we were going down a freeway when i kicked him out of the door and he started rolling on teh road, the truck steered itself with n odriver. my dream turned into something of a grand theft auto game from there, i remember seeing a map with indicators telling my position and my dads, he was gaining lots of speed. he managed to grab the open window and i grabbed a baseball bat to smoke him off, it worked and i was finally free. i then took control of the steering and tried to make my way home, but i could see that my dad was taking a different route and he was going to get there first. so i decided to book it to another city. the scene changed and it appeared i was at this city living there for quite a while now, i met an entirely figment group of individuals i have never met before. the city seemed to be in a state of crisis, i remember i was a hustler with a group of thugs on the street and we sould hustle people as they walked buy. but then this guy in like a biohazard suit was running towards us all bloody an di was ably ot think of one thing. ZOMBIES!!!! i started to book it as fast as i could in the opposite direction as did all of my thug friends, i ran and ran, i remember spending the night at a really seedy train station all alone. the nect morning i booked it to an old industrial yard where i met some people hiding in large waste bins, it was a scorching summer day and i remember smiling at the sun. we talked about how to get out of the city, and i felt really intimately close with these group of survivors. i was able to see groups of zombies i nthe distance, they surrounded us and were getting closer. they started to break in to a sprint and i notified everyone. there was no place to go so i instictively hid under a blanket and grabbed an old mop as a weapon to fend them off. i could hear them bustling and moaning outside, one of them managed to climb over and collapse right on top of me, he looked really cheesy and pathetic and i kind of giggled. then i woke up.

pseudo science and alternative belief systems

Pseudoscience, New age beliefs, astrology, alternative healings such as homeopathy, rheiki, crystal energy healing and all other sorts of scientifically untested medicinal procedures have skyrocketed whithin the past 20 years or so. I have inquired as to what makes these alternative medicines so appealing and why people seek them out abandoning conventional practices in the first place. modernity brought upon the age of reason, man let go of his dogmatic belief in the unseen and started observing the seen physical world making his own responcibility in trying to explain natural phenomena. this was accomplished through experimentations, by testing under natural and controlled conditions whether archaic/mythical beliefs were "real" or whether certain beliefs were wrought upon delusions to help man cope with his own existence. it is remarkable to see that even in the postmodern age where we depend on the historical findings of scientific truth, that many of us refuse to accept its validity and in many cases refuse medical treatment that has been proven to help the pathology at hand.

astrology is indeed one of the most pervasive new age beliefs. it has survived chirstian persecution, and even smiles smugly at in the face of reason. Nearly every human in the western hemisphere has brushed contact with astrology, it is popularized in newspapers, magazine collumns, entire books and philosophies are published upon its behalf. even i have submerssed myself into the new age culture and astrological traditions myself to find that whithin my own experience the readings and results of such to be rather interesting and in many cases accurate. now as i sit back and take a critical perspective on the suject i look at astrology under the scrutinizing eye of critical thinking too see what the emperical eye observes. wikipedia defines astrology as "a group of systems, traditions, and beliefs in which knowledge about the relative positions of celestial bodies and related details aids in understanding, interpreting, and organizing information about personality, human affairs, and other terrestrial matters. Astrologers believe that the movements and positions of celestial bodies either directly influence life on Earth or correspond somehow to events experienced on a human scale. Modern astrologers define astrology as a symbolic language, an art form, and a form of divination, whereas many scientists have labeled it a pseudoscience or superstition." is this merely suggestive wishful thinking, or is something our of the ordinary actually occuring here beneath scientifical explanation? i have tried to look for the mechanics and methadology as to how it was discovered that celestial cosmic bodies were significant and influential to everyday human life. how is it possible that constellations assignned to an individual according to the date of his birth be affected by the entity or archtype in which astrological house he inhabits?

astrologers have not presented consistent physical mechanistic explanations as to how cosmic bodies influence earthly events. some astrologers have suggested that a more casual subtle relationship exists beyond scientific detection. An editorial published by the Astronomical Society of the Pacific reports that they can find no evidence for a scientifically defined mechanism by which celestial objects can influence terrestrial affairs. basically it cannot be proven by scientifical trial. Still others have argued that empirical correlations can stand on their own epistemology, and do not need the support of any theory or mechanism. To some observers, these non-mechanistic concepts raise serious questions about the feasibility of validating astrology through scientific testing, and some have gone so far as to reject the applicability of the scientific method to astrology almost entirely. Some astrologers, on the other hand, believe that astrology is amenable to the scientific method, given sufficiently sophisticated analytical methods, and they cite pilot studies to support this view.

if the scientific method cannot be applied to astrology, then what can? it appears to be as unmeasurable as whithin the argument of the Judeo/christian god. does the mere belief in something illicit a response? is it self induced delusion? or is there actually something occuring that is beyond conventional detection, perhaps the leap of faith is actually required in this case to be in "tune" with the results. does it hold literal truth, is it merely metaphorical or is it a false outdated method. i personally have a very keen interest on the subject but at the same time i do not devote my entire belief on it. it must be verified by trial where evidence is supported or it must be experienced in full effect. it would be foolish to assume otherwise. i will say though that astrology has a fundamental role in filling necessary gaps whithin the human experience, after all it did pave the way for astronomy. regardless of its alltruistic debate it still exists and therefore is a perfect manifestation of spirit as is science. its awe is whithin its existence itself and must be respected as such, the relationship it has with science is secular and represents the eternal struggle between rationality and irrationality. the belief lies whithin the beholder in this case so you choose, pre-rational mumbo jumbo? or otherwordly knowledge?


NEXT I TACKLE HOMEOPATHY!!!!

TBC.......

tha white girl

naw gurl im sorry but i gotta pass the date
im not to keen on my love interests arriving in milk crates
anemic bodies makes me feel frail, whats ailin ya? the sun to bright?
god damnit where does the wall end and where do you start
FOR FUCKIN SAKES GIRL SEEK THE LIGHT!!!!!!
I DONT REALLY CARE IF YA CLAIM YA PUSSY'S TIGHT
HA who ya foolin, i know your goods are already bruisin
washboard ass so slick im slippin, dont it hurt when your sittin?

neva cravin for the caucasian, who the fuck wants to be slavin in that womans haven
you know she'l have your balls in a vice, she cant afford to feel her heart its fucking cold as ice.

OOOOOH SHIT
double wrap before you tap
you might wake up the next mornin discoverin the clap
shit is whack i know but you didnt listen
caught up in the zone of the pale face tunnel vision

JK im down. white girls are fine

chopsticks

lyrical tactics ascends hailing tsun zu
9th chamber static causes enemies inpotent, flaccid
i role with the eclipsed moon krew, Gang Bing, Liu Ji, Jaio Yu
sending volleys of rhyme tipped arrows, corrosive acid
infiltrate ya kingdom not of lands but of mind, YOU must coincide! resistence is futile.
marble isles, jade tigers, torches lit the hall of master Ying
feel the venoms sting as the angry buddha sings
balanced yang, all hail the WU tang clan
dominance spans across these conquered lands
i dwell in the palace of no man, rather inhabits the dark soul
i got more muthafuckin styles than you got grains in ya rice bowl
counteract monkey fist with panda claw
i do insist cuz im too fast ya neva saw
stormin plaugue like the horde of the huns
divine path of darkness I am the chosen one

i snap back like the properties of bamboo
im still as he moisture of morning dew
unpredictable like the inmpermantent winds
my blade will purge all ye with mortal sins

elementalists conjuring frozen orbs
annihalation of the wicked, death to enemy hordes
epic wars waged in the name of maintaining the balance
to sow the sweet scent of victories fragrance

the infancy of parentals

throughout my life i have witnessed under the loving care of my parents their gradual submission into post modern insanity. I am now able to fully witness the extent of how society has "moulded" them into how it sees fit, and what i see is tragically a spiritless world void of meaning, void of love, compassion and empathy. for them, love is merely a means to make an end, a tool to ensure that their children recieve a safe upringing equipped with dogmatic religious values, so that they may function without question along the assembly line of institutionalized incarceration. religious moral in western mainstream culture provides us with the convenience to worship the dollar. be praised the saviour of all of our woes the monetary and fiscal policies are here to take care of us. "time is money, and money is everything". this mantra has been so deeply ingrained into the grey matter of my parents minds that the very foundation for spirit has been vacated to make way for the "american dream" where suburbia is heaven. being boxed inside a rectangle whithin a rectangle whithin a rectangle doesnt fulfill me in any way as a human being.

unfortunately for my parents, this is all they know, and they are not to be blamed. the leviathan that is postmodern chaos is slowely coming to a bitter halt and its going to take everyone down whos latched on to its ugly hide. my mom being a single parent struggles in raising two young girls as she maintains a mortgage, car payments, ect ect. she neither has time to look after the emotional and psychological needs of my sisters let alone her own. having stayed at my mothers for the week i can see the effects trickle down as it undermines the very foundation of a strong community. no sense of unity whithin the family unit, and without that there is no hope in tribal or community unity. i suppose that is how the game is played, keep your head down, do your work, be a good citizen and if your lucky enough you will get by as these fat fucking industrialists and corporate mongerers wipe their asses with your tax dollars. "Heres fox news!!!, heres MTV!!!, heres mcdonalds!!!, heres CHRISTMAS! EASTER! VALENTINES!!! WOOHOO." distractions distractions.

my father embarasingly enough is the posterboy who relishes in all of these trivial commodoties, right down to hoarding the hotel soap and shampoos. i thought the midlife crisis was just a myth, but i witnessed it first hand as my father bought a new truck and a BMW along with other lame trinckets. sporting a new wardrobe of euro preppy attire from the Diesel shirts to the white pointed elf shoes he left my mother for another woman. these types of cowardly acts can be avoided, its not rocket science. whether you agree with me or not these kinds of isolated incidents that occur incessantly across the western hemisphere evolve into more complicated problems that lead to lost and confused children abusing drugs, having unprotected sex resulting in babies in garbage bins. "generation apathy" i coin it, i look around to the vast majority of kids my age, and i say kids because consciouslly they have not evolved passed the age of 14, they consume anything they can get their greedy paws on. please dont hesitate to call me cynical because i am just that, i am a 60 year old geezer in a 20 year olds body raging and ranting about utoppian realities because i have the right to dream.

but alas, all is not lost. their is a global movement that is working towards a common goal, like minded individuals all over the world are using technologies brought upon the information age to exchange ideas, you no longer need to goto school to become educated, it can all be accessed with the click of the button. this movement to expand and evolve consciousness is still is reaching its pubescant age of angst and the collective mind is undergoing some radical change, soon my comrades, it will be our turn to take a swift kick to the nuts to a obese ideology we call capitalism.


i urge all of you to please take the time to check out this website

www.globalonenessproject.org

self proclaimed tool indeed

the changing time signatures of the song Schism are emulated by my cognitive inability to calm my obsessive thoughts. its as if silence is not an option, but even whithin the indecisiveness of my rising sign, somehow the choas conducts a wonderfuly colorful, beautifuly tragic swan song of polarities and everything in between. that song hasnt made me wept for a very long time, but today maynards determined voice and hopeful lyrics ruptured a vessel.

as the salty tears streamed, my ego screamed in agony, my masculine energies subsided briefly as the walls of jericho beffelled, revealing a naked soul picking at his own scabs. utterly disgusted with what i saw i felt the expulsion of pride and self pity spew onto a pallet. my weary eyes witnessed the horrific monster that dwells whithin. a self proclaimed tool indeed. the fundamental differnce between us manifests at our level of existence through a hiarchichal ladder of dualities, or the illusion thereof. cosmically i know that the pieces fit so why hasnt it trickled down to our level? our pure intentions however recieved are juxtoposed, beckoning our love in motion to seek one.

the both of us have taken constant battering, the pain we endure is self inflicted but we point the finger thus disintegrating our modes of communication quite literally. the passionate flame that i was addicted to was the very thing that left the ciggarette burns in our flesh. no ends are met, only lingering jesters laugh at my foolish existence. i single handedly watched this tower of babel climb higher than i have ever concieved, the pride of my love manifested its own crippling collums. the higher we climbed the further we fall, the tongue of satan decieved us both resulting in our most unfortunate demise. all i can do now is walk around a very short oroboros. "The poetry That comes from the squaring off between, And the circling, is worth it Finding beauty in the dissonance." how beautifully tragic it is. for what its worth, i am most regretably sorry for my own insecurities, i am most regretably sorry for causing you suffering. the dangers of a second guessing? i would gamble all i have for a second chance. do i deserve it?. probably not, so let it be known that this is a lesson learned. I KNOW the pieces fit.

i still love you, more than i ever have. and i will always love you. if this marks defeat for the inability for global unity, it has been best expressed on this level. proof that this age needs to perish, these two fish swimming around need to die so aquarius can clean out the bowl, may mom flush it all away. hopefully after i perish and travel through the bardo realms to be reborn again, i may meet you there in whatever form we take and finally be able to die into one another.

Cold silence has
A tendency to
Atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers